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Old 10-04-2014, 06:19 PM   #10
PancakeBrah
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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CopyPat-

Maybe your best topical? I'd think so. The similarity of the first person view watch between the two pictures was well done. Maybe Pinot could raise a qualm about incorporating a picture as an aid? I've done it before, I see no problem with it. What I thought was a cool, and I think it was unintentional, is that this verse was basically a nostalgia trip, and the picture was black and white. You could almost imagine that the topic is a still from your mind, when you think back on the game. As for the verse itself, it was good. Very smooth, rhyme-heavy but not distractingly so, a problem you can sometimes veer into. I think that "You can cheat very heavily" to "red with blood" was where you lost a bit of steam, and were kind of just throwing in some extra lines to do it. Didn't have the same pace there that the rest of the verse had. But aside from that portion this was good. Light, and technically sound.

Pinot Grij-

I've written a few verses with this same exact satirical tone and perspective, so I enjoyed your formatting and approach to writing greatly. It was well done. The only line I didn't enjoy was the Mario and Luigi idea. You were purposefully corny throughout, but for some reason that one left a bit to be desired. The "pussy hole" wording got a chuckle. The allusions were all perfectly in sync. You're probably the most consistently funny writer in these leagues and this was no exception. I think your concept, in relation to the topic, was there but a bit tenuous. The photo definitely has a "classical" feel to it, so the modern allusions kind of felt like a clash of tone. You could argue I should have the same qualm with Copy's verse, but he did more to be immersive and make the picture his own. You kind of used it as a springboard, ignoring it's aspects. But that's not a huge deal. I think the writing was great and represents a strong entry.

Good, unique, battle. I came into this thinking Pinot would take it but Copy played to his strengths and posted a strong verse. I think the writing was about equal but preferred Copy's approach. A shame there has to be a loser.

v/CopyPatrick
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Where immobil steel rims crack
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