First off, best image I have seen in this comp so far. Love the all seeing eye -- Masonry + more influences.
Congrats @
Adonis
NYCSPITZ:
Everything you wrote was well structured, well worded, and had a theme that you stuck to. It was very inspiring, to say the least. I don't know how much time you spent researching the words and symbolic nature of the picture. In fact, its not a 5 star (pentagram), its not even six sided but the three sides representing pyramid and the 'all seeing eye' stand out to me the most… along with serpents guarding the circle.
Your verse did not go "perfectly" with the image, but your interpretation and the story you told within your own interpretation was very well established and perfectly executed.
I could not find any grammatical mistakes and you are obviously well educated in the English language, and more. I had to use google define several times, which always makes me happy (to learn).
I give you a
9.5/10
Objective:
Your over-all message was very good. The structure was above average. Referring to George Carlin, I don't think was the best idea… but thats the writer's choice, and it led into your last line: your message became clear. I don't think the over all execution was the best, and some lines I feel were placed in order to keep an over-all flow.
There are some misspelled words (not docking on that). One (which I am not sure of) is "stripped for" could be "stripped of". Also "conditions a monster" should be "conditions, a monster" -- not too sure on that either. You misspelled balancing. Other errors which may or may have not been to keep a consistent flow… but again, I do not dock points for grammatical or spelling errors… it just means you needed more time to reread what you wrote.
Over all score =
6.5/10
/v NYSCRIPTZ