First time voting in AOWL, so my vote may be either ignorant or insightful.
First off, both of the writings were good. I spotted possible misspelled words or improper grammar in both, whether they were used on purpose or not, I do not know… so my voting will not consider this… but my comments might.
Innovator: your lines had me moved. They seemed more to be lyrics to go to a melody, though lack of rhymes clearly states to me that you've got experience in this area. I wasn't sure if "awws" meant "awes", or some acronym that I couldn't easily define.
The ending was extremely moving:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Innovator
we lip sync even in pause.
paint your self copper.
and let the heavens rain gold
upon medal roof offers-
-salvation's place, cold.
a story sold more than once
its value is lost.
dig these streets with nails in hand
fingers full of rock
butterflies swallow whole hearts
broken legs and two left feet.
hey come on now sing
with me build city sized lyrics;
skyscraper melody.
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All of that was extremely good IMO. Especially the cover in copper, heavens rain gold, -salvations place, cold. Its value is lost." But, its hard for me to pick out lines that were my favorite. I think you set the setting with your opening lines and moved onto make your point, which is still vague; but I guess that is (kind of) the point when writing about a picture and making innovative messages constructed.
Over all, I give you an
7/10. My criticisms is that the lines are too short, which may be acceptable to the majority here… it makes it more readable, yet allows you to split up sentences into lines, which do not necessarily construct full sentences (not that thats really an issue, it is slightly for me, but this is poetry). Also, I'd advise to work on over-all structure. One person gave me great advice was to "read your lines backwards after writing them and make them flow backwards as well as forwards", but that was advice given in the battle (rap verses) area… still applicable.
Dove_Dozer -- it seems nearly everyone missed the deadline. Can't blame you for having a life. Even Innovator had edited after midnight. I wish they'd allow extensions... but then everyone would take advantage of that.
As far as your writing goes, I quickly enjoyed counting the lines as 14; seeing "sonnet" in Innovator's post and reading it as"a poem of 14 lines using any mumber of format rhyme schemes, in English typically having ten syllables per line". You met the 14 lines part, which excited me (syllables, bleb, who cares).
After I read and reread your verse, I was thoroughly impressed. I spotted one or teo grammatical errors, which I won't doc you for (ex: villains should be villian's). Your words were very precise -- and you made your point very quickly (I which I would imagine would keep a readers interest, compared to my shit, which goes on and on). Over all, I think you through this together quickly but had thought about it for some time before laying the lines down. Some of the ending lines rhyme, as well, which I know is not a necessity in AOWL… but over-all I give you a
9/10.
/v Dove_Dozer in a close one. It was hard to pick, but it was clear in my mind that DD's lines took the cake.