Tomb had a creative concept but its execution was hindered by how prolix the bar was. My advice is to condense the bar. When constructing it, read it multiple times to see if there is anything you can omit or cut out of it without compromising the flow. Like I said, great concept. Just have to deliver it better.
Now, Muzzl3.
Quote:
Originally Posted by theMuzzl3
Tomb registered minutes ago... his heart still beating in the womb.
I assume there's limits to the room; time for netcees to give the broom.
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Your set up was awesome. They have been getting better and better. "Tomb registered minutes ago" was you vaguely setting up your concept. "his heart still beating in the womb" was you elaborating on the concept and supporting it with a subtle misdirected description, which is good.
"I assume there's no limits to the room; time for netcees to give the broom" wasted EVERYTHING you built upon in the setup. It had nothing to do with the concept you initially set in the opener. This line should have been used to deliver the punchline you were subtly hinting towards, instead you disregarded all the hard work you put into the concept. Don't assume anything. "no limits to the room" - are you referring to how many ppl are allowed in the hospital room during childbirth? If so, I get it. But this doesn't belong here. You aren't assuming ANYTHING when you're dissing somebody (of course you are). You know for a FACT Tomb is new to NC. You know for a FACT he is still green. Having limits in a room does nothing to progress your concept and NC giving him the broom is as light as a punch as you can get. You might as well have given him a 10 minute timeout on the couch while being hand-fed grapes and feathered by bratz dolls for being a pretentious faggot. Also, you didn't need to throw the "room" word in there to rhyme. It was unnecessary. You know what Muff talks ab with slant rhymes? Practice that.
It's either
blah blah rhyme, blah blah blah rhyme
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahbhbhblaaaah blaaaaah blah rhyme
or
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahbhbhblaaaah blah rhyme
blajajalajs hesitation, blalalalallakallalaahahahahaha rhyme
Don't put two rhymes the way you did in the second line (closer). It cripples whatever impact you were hoping for.
Hope that helps.
v-Tomb