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Old 04-04-2013, 12:01 AM   #2
Fig
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Write View Post
the dust settled, i arose to the smell of gun metal
and holes in the wall where the slugs nestled
blood puddled the ground where victims were found
and i stood frozen, at that moment after gunnin em down
That was a well stated intro. Actually, that whole first part was pretty dope. I can see the circular plot you were going for, but you didnt seal the deal at the end. I know you said you got bored or whatever, but nigga... anyways, although everything after the first stanza wasnt as strong, it still kept my attention on some movie shit. Those transitioning statements between each got redundant after a while... I duno, I think you coulda done without them, or restated them. cool piece
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