[timeless]

Originally Posted by sraL

I thought you had some good ideas, the opening line especially struck me and stood out.

I expected something completely different to what followed, but it was creative to say the least.

I will say that you seem to have a good idea on rhyme schemes, but I don't feel yours are as clean as I would like.

A lot of writers struggle with encorporating natural sounding dialogue into their pieces, and even though you didn't use a lot, I think the "Ready to breed?" you did use felt a bit odd and out of place.

I didn't feel I followed the piece without questioning what was happening at times, everything was almost a blur of a few different ideas, and though I have a decent grasp of ecosystems and how they work - how this tied into hiphop with bees is beyond me. Lol. This is like something I'd write while on drugs.

I did think you did well with the "Hello, God?" conversational tip, that was a lot better. I also liked the closing few lines, they were shorter, more concise, but I enjoyed that you almost flipped the multi back to front if you see what I mean? Nice job there.

This had its plusses and minuses, just tried to give you a few pointers as I read it.

Keep that pen moving!

Appreciate it. Will rtf by tomorroe noght