TRAP:
Quote:
Originally Posted by trap
started as ordinary people, seemed we were one and the same
sung you my sweet serenade, you deemed it part of the game
but you were driving me wild, wanted to make her say yes
she said don't quit your day job, i'm on a persuit of happiness
i saw love in the future, her beauty made me get lifted
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one minor complaint already is the subject agreement errors. I know you're talking about you & a girl so it's not too hard to figure it out, but the narrator switches between I, you, me, and she a ton of times. a little sloppy
haha I get it. Completely forgot some of those albums, thought it was a Kid Cudi tribute verse bc I picked up on every Cudi song & missed most of the others on the first read through.
It is an okay take on the topic... I mean, the story is really rather loosely wound together and there is a lot that happens in so few lines... your wording/ flow of ideas was above par for the first three or four lines, but then you started jumping around and running out of songs that would work easily into your verse. I noticed you used a lot of Cudi, maybe because his verse titles (and his better albums) all operate along one main thematic tangent, the Cudi titles gave your verse most of its cohesion. Was not really satisfied with the verse but I can appreciate how difficult these can be, and this one wasn't done poorly. Tough approach choice given so few lines.
KANNON.
Cool verse. I liked what you did her, the descriptions of addiction were potent. rapturous calm. blackest of swans. both of those were highlights of the battle for me. Pretty smooth ending but the frame of the story was pretty trite. Where I was when X tragedy happened. No matter
Good showing of skill by each, but I think Kannon's attention to his verses smooth storytelling and technical fluidity along with one or two highly memorable concepts stole the show
V/ kannon