[kannon]

Typing on my phone again.

Split. Your rhyme schemes are weird in this one. Usually, it's a little uncommon, but still easy to follow, this time it kinda fucked with the flow of the piece. I gotta be honest, this is probably my least favorite piece you've wrote thus far. I found it kind of confusing. And I'm honestly not a hundred percent sure I understand what you were trying to get across. It vaguely seems like maybe a soldier writing home to a lady, whose picture he keeps my his bedside. But I don't know that I got much else out of it than that. I've read over this piece like 6 times, and I get more confused with each read. I'm sorry if this is a shit breakdown. The flow started well, and then kinda fell apart on the back end. I felt like the schemes had a bunch of call backs, and inner rhymes, but the inners came like a bar and a half later, sometimes when you'd gone into two new schemes, and it kinda threw me off a bit. I don't know man, I wasn't particularly moved by this piece. The content or the way in which it was written. Sorry, bud.

Darth yoda. So this is more clearly about a soldier. I kinda liked the similarities played against a camera lens shoot vs. A scope "framing a soldier." But I kinda felt like this piece fell a bit short on the back end. The flow seemed to stretch way more in the back six, and not really even in a way that I felt assisted the story. Bars 9-10 kinda brought me back in, but then it finished kinda weird. And why did you write "most people say numbers lie"? That seems made up. Men lie, women lie, numbers don't. The closing of this story seemed more about a man coping with the idea of never seeing that person who is in his photograph. Which at least feels a bit more complete to me. Piece was okay as a whole, but I didn't love it.

This is a weird battle. I came into this thinking Split was gonna take it easy, but I don't know what happened. After re-reading split, your strongest section to me is definitely, "manage my demons, and plan to confide in the handful I don't." But I still feel like something was missing when I finished. Yoda had some wording that was weird to me, but overall I felt like his story was more complete. Especially since I (maybe wrongly) assumed that split's piece was about a soldier, it kinda makes me lean towards yoda a bit more because I like his ending more.

I gotta go with Yoda for the upset.