[PancakeBrah]

Trap -

I have to say I think this was uneven. I knew what you were doing as soon as I read 'Sweet Serenade'. I like that song. The way it was placed in that line seemed odd so I did a quick skim and found my assumption was correct. You sacrificed smooth wording and a more interesting, nuanced story for a gimmick, in my estimation.

"started as ordinary people, seemed we were one and the same
sung you my sweet serenade, you deemed it part of the game
but you were driving me wild, wanted to make her say yes
she said don't quit your day job, i'm on a persuit of happiness"

Just some weird stuff going on here. The third line in particular was off. You were talking directly to this woman up to the second half of that line. But there you used 'her' and it was an awkward, unnecessary shift to aid an already soft rhyme. Also the last line could be read two different ways as it's unclear if she said that (continuing the first half of the line) or if it's a new thought from you. A period or quotation mark would've cleared it up, maybe.

"i saw love in the future, her beauty made me get lifted
felt like the man on the moon, so high, her mercy - it shifted
when i became finally famous, soon to be in the hall of fame
she tried that universal mind control, lending to blame"

The wording here was off as well. 'Her mercy - it shifted' is just awkward to me, mercy should be replaced with something more apt. 'Lending to blame' is in the same boat. The references continued steadily, but I'm not sure if you're getting points for that in the grand scheme of things.

"but girl, my name is my name - thought we were finding forever
the green light to heaven flickered, the fear of god was my endeavor
used to love u, day n nite, but time passed through this cruel summer
now i'm a legend, doing it big to a T, a common consequence to plunder"

In the first line you resume the direct conversation style after abandoning it abruptly in the third line of the verse. I think the 'now I'm a legend' transition was way to abrupt. The ending left me wanting. 'Consequence to plunder' was another phrase I didn't like.

So, this was a gimmick verse. Topic's The Good Life and every line has at least one reference to a song released by an artist associated with The Good Life conglomerate. I don't think this tactic is particularly difficult to pull off and often costs a verse more than it adds, especially if it's the main point. The story and writing, ignoring the references, really suffered from blandness and off wording because of your trope. In my mind, it's tough to reconcile the point of this approach to the topic. It's creative, I guess, but reads more like a grocery list than a topical verse. I don't mean to be harsh. I've enjoyed your verses in this tournament up to this point but I think you made a fundamental tactical error here.

Kannon -

I think this was your best verse of the tournament. You cranked up the rhyming a bit and your strength, flow, was still here in spades. You wrote in a way that aligns with my interests as a voter. I think the drug tragedy is a thoroughly beaten horse (says the guy who wrote a drug user verse last round) but you keenly incorporated the topic and infused some nice writing touches that lead to real expression of emotion in relation to a tired approach.

"The back windows rattled as they battled with the bass in the whip
We'd cruise and bump "The Good Life," smiles across our face as we dip..."

Nice, perfunctory opening. Set up the ending. Rhyme was solid. Not much to say here.

"His wagon was strong. No longer chasing the dragon along
For two years, found a new passion in the rapping of songs
But the back pain led to the Oxy.. Once the traction was on
You unfastened the bonds, and leapt into that rapturous calm"

'Rapturous calm' was nice. I'm not sure if 'traction was on' is forced wording or I'm just missing something. I'm an idiot so it's probably the latter. I guess some voters might think 'the rapping of songs' is off wording but I liked it, personally. Very nice pace here.

"Syringe to plasma, the disaster rode the tracks in his arm
An "unpredictable relapse," You were the blackest of swans
They found his body collapsed in the back of an Acura; gone
Fetal, or fatal position... Grasping at straws when I answered the call"

'The disaster rode the tracks in his arm' is either a played concept or good wording, depending on who you ask. I thought it was good. This isn't a battle, so a nicely placed wordplay, even if it's been done before, doesn't hurt. I liked 'acura; gone'. I enjoyed this half of the body of your verse more than the first half, although both were strong.

"Now every time I hear that line on Graduation I skip...
"The Good Life," How can I smile knowing that you died chasing that shit..."

Strong ending, I liked this quite a bit. Shows you had a concept and executed on it to a tee. I like how you recalled your initial rhyme from the opening after keeping one completely different scheme throughout the body of the verse. Not a difficult trick but a nice touch.

Overall, I didn't have much to say when breaking down your verse. This is a good thing. Everything was succinct, and no space was wasted. There was hardly any negatives to note, except maybe a wording mis-use here or there, possibly. One of the tightest verses I've read in this tourney. No loose ends, perfectly encapsulated. I wouldn't say this is a great verse, in terms of HOF-level, but it scratched the surface. A tough verse to beat, indeed.

-

I think kannon took this. Trap has the talent and ability to beat kannon, or they're pretty close when both are operating at full strength. I just disliked his approach this round and kannon wrote his best verse of the tournament thus far. Thanks for the read guys.

v/ kannon