[PancakeBrah]

Cormier;

Eh. I had misgivings, with hope, this far;

"I warned them: stop disrespecting me! I’m no basement dweller
I want to have my cake and eat it, too; not be placed in cellars
They talked over me; ignored me; acted like everything’s fine
But in time, the straw that broke the camel’s back was losing my Swingline"

I knew the direction, here. I knew where it was going. Your rhymes didn't wow me, the technical prowess wasn't overpowering. But I thought I saw a glimmer, that you'd bring it home. Anyone reading this thinking it wouldn't be gimmick might have the possibility of being entranced by a clean finish. Count me in on that. But then;

"Fuck Bill! Fuck the Bobs! And most importantly, fuck Initech!
Who just lets someone learn they’re laid off when they stop getting checks?
But now I have traveler’s checks to make my vacation days so swell
This is a great hotel! Who would have thought that arson would pay so well?
My words may come out garbled, but my head is clear when I try thinking
My days used to be spent collating, now they’ll be spent mai tai drinking…"

I've switched my position on these types of pieces a few times in my voting history. Zygote does these well, but he approaches serious parables. You're more in the Pinot Grij lane but at about 1/2 the quality. With this verse, the payoff is the fact you're referencing a known quantity. With Pinot the payoff is how he twists that known quantity. Against lesser opponents this type of strategy can work. It's quick and dirty. But against someone like Split you need more nuance. I haven't read Split's verse, but just the average of the cumulative Split oeuvre.

I guess this calls into question the very basis of voting as a basis for winning topicals. I'm not a huge fan of humorous verses, but this wasn't humorous so that's neither here nor there. Pinot does it best. This here is some facsimile of humor. Quirky for the point of the quirk. I'm sure some voters will like your approach but unless you have a deft touch and natural comedic touch I don't think you should do these type of pieces. Maybe you have it, but it wasn't displayed here.

I think I'm being overly harsh? You're not a bad writer. This wasn't a bad piece, in terms of the average written topical on this site (YDK represents the mean). Here's the real problem; you revealed your comedy in the middle of your verse with the word 'Initech'. Either let it be known from the go or try and do the twist thing.

Positive. Your wording was good. Or at least not a negative. I think your rhymes were solid enough not to warrant a negative. You had an idea, and you ran with it. I'm usually against post scripts but your "...NO SALT!" was actually pretty good.

Back to the basis of voters determining the better writer thing. Scattershot vote here, I'm sorry. As a voter I'm more into serious pieces, which lends me to like melodrama more than hacky comedy. Which is a fault. I think I judge 'funny' pieces more harshly. But I've voted for them before. I don't think you pulled off a top level comedic verse here. It was more a reference to a movie that was funny, a funny character. You failed to nuance it or make me laugh. I think you have the tools, if this verse is evidence, to be a "respected guy" here. You're not a bad writer. But this wasn't for me.

Split:

Good, but not as good as your last round. Or your peak form. I think 10 line or short form is your strength. Or, the format where voters will most appreciate your strengths.

I'm notoriously dumb when it comes to interpreting non-plainly stated verses. This is because I'm dumb, generally. The general outline of your verse, to me, is that Alaina is a whore. Or, cheats on John. John's faithful. You'd have been John if things were aligned differently, but knowing what you (or the narrator of this piece if it's not you) know now, you're fine with the missed opportunity. Even if she's a mighty fine lay. How I read it.

Your strength is your wording, pacing, phrasing, and confidence. Which are, obviously, all top line strengths to have. Your rhyming was intricate, intricate in a way I try to do. The rhymes were complex but not in a 17 syllable way. They were soft, "slanted", but consistent while complimenting your wording. That's the trick, in my opinion. Being complex while focusing on wording. I think you do that better than most everyone here and with such a short frame to work within that mechanic is brought to the fore.

Your ending was great, in terms of lead up, feeling, and rhyme. I think my biggest problem with these short verses is the ending but you nailed it here and last week. I'm not sure if your writing has improved or you're just in a competition that accentuates your strengths, but either way you're on a roll through the first two rounds. First round was noticeably better than this, though.

--

I liked reading both. Split was more towards my sensibilities; Cormier wasn't good enough to counterbalance.

v/split