[Witty]

This was cool, you write sorta like me lol Obviously with your uniqueness added into it, otherwise I'd have to kick your ass lol

Don't have much time, I just wanna say that this was a cool read...you definitely have the basic techniques down to a T, and you are obviously a natural story teller as I like to think I am. One thing I know I do is rhyming lol And most importantly, inner rhyme schemes, I saw you attempt them and they did work pretty well for the most part, I think you could try to make them a bit more complex and less predictable, use like 4 in one line, none in the next, and 2 in the next, you know? Not in that precise order obviously lol but play around with your rhymes. You already have the story telling down, and honestly your rhyming was very good, I only point it out because I think you can be a lot better if you take more risks and play around with your rhymes. Thought this would be shorter lol but I saw a writer who reminded me of myself so I had to throw down my thoughts lol, I think you have a lot of talent already and a hell of a lot of potential, just don't be afraid to experiment, if it isn't for you then it isn't for you, no harm comes from trying. Do your thing man.

If this really is your first piece then I am impressed, keep elevating and you could become very dope. Read other pieces and sign up to the league if you have time. Keep your pen moving bro.