[oats]

I loved this verse, but also felt a little unsatisfied with it. Here's what I mean.

There are times when you not only say things, but rhyme them in a way that pinpoints my own thoughts and feelings better than I do, which I'm truly envious of. Lines like these:

i feel manic one moment and then i'm somber the next
that center-point's the closest thing to God I've accepted

searched for solace in the sciences and fell in the cracks

self-awareness is the devil's romance

confess
your secret inner monologues or live with a ghost

i feel like i don't even know my friends anymore
more alone than ever as they enter the door

comfort is a luxury we've taken for granted
i'd trade it all away for just a taste of enchantment

^^all of these are lines that I wish I penned myself. Honest, insightful, and true to life in a way that's equally real and poetic.


On the other hand, there are moments when you jump from reflection to addressing someone that I don't like. The lines themselves are good, which is why they work in a way, but imo it crinkles the picture you're painting a bit. I see all of these verses as pretty interconnected, different meditations on death and our finite life (also the name of my blog HMMMMM), seeing it from different angles. To me, the disconnected, preoccupation in this verse is intentional because death is weighing on your mind amidst life flashing before you (you meaning the narrator, whether that's you or "you"). So we drop back in to real life every now and then just to drift away again - fighting with your chick, hanging with friends and bullshitting about the good ol days, all brings you/us back to the painful realization that death gets the final say. I get it (I think). I just wonder if there was a cleaner way to depict that, as opposed to breaking up the tangential thoughts with addressing these actual people/characters. Does that make sense?

I really do think you should combine all of these Dead Man verses into a chap book or collection somehow. the title of which could be "Dead Man" or something like that, with each verse a stage or chapter. It seems like these are all parts of a larger mosaic.