NYC did what NYC does. obfuscating any hope of a direct storyline, he uses pretty prose as an allegory for something. it's usually unworldly and he should be commended for always bringing us some kind of weird sci-fi creation of our reality when we give him mundane phrases. the rhyme scheme was advanced, as is to be expected. however.. ten lines was too little to paint the picture he wanted to paint. for someone who writes with a lot left unsaid, it crippled him. Too much vaguery.
jilti wrote an effective, direct piece with the kind of twist @
CopyPat was going for in our battle. it's been done before, true, but not in ten lines. the writing and rhyming showed experience and it flowed smoothly. i didn't know where it was going to end and then *wham* - if you can catch me off guard, you've done something right.
v/ jilti with the upset