mkg - this isn't bad writing. i felt like it was a very pedestrian offering. it rhymed ok, but nothing caught me especially in this verse. you could switched things up, rhythmically, or with a swerve in the story. idk. create some intrigue. it wasn't very impressive.
cherry - clunky. you really butchered in parts of this, remedied somewhat by the more interesting phrases you conjured. a pretty mixed bag. i kind of stumbled through it - you felt suffocated in this format. don't inhale the smoke.
one interested me more.
v/frank
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