Machine Kelly Gun... Shit, another instance where I would have liked to see more than 10 bars. The back 6 of this were great, but the beginning felt rushed. First of all, You know god damn well you only included the horse cause it rhymed with divorce, but that fact paints the picture of a very well off family. Which leads to a bit of a bump when you then try to paint them as victims of circumstance. Unless her father somehow managed to take EVERYTHING in the divorce and cut the kids off entirely. I also concluded that she was most likely the oldest of her siblings, if she was forced to be the bread winner, which means that if mom was too old for work, she woulda had to have had her first kid at like 50. That being said, that was the only issue I had with this piece. The rest of it was written eloquently simple to truly convey the message. The irony of the protagonist being looked down upon as a bum, while being an intelligent woman working two jobs to support the family who doesn't have any other means of support. I also commend the topic flip, it's always nice to see someone flip a topic in a way that I wouldn't have thought to. Overall, this was solid. I'm sure I'm being way too picky about the set up haha, but yeah, the latter half was dope enough to bring it back... Solid work.
Francis. HOLY FUCKING STRETCHED LINES, BATMAN. What the hell, bruh? You can't just turn a 38 bar verse into a 10 bar verse by not hitting enter a few times. Sheeeeyit. It's only 9 bars, and is 147 words. Anyways. I don't think smoke can necessarily "engulf" your lungs, as much as it would just fill your lungs. I dont like your word choices :/ "inaudibly gasping?" It would have to be the world's slowest gasp. The torch of humanity line is dope, but way too fucking stretched. The line about the mother dying and the protagonist having to leave should have probably been placed before the protagonist was already half way down the ladder. The firefighter looked at you immorally? What? Like, homie was trying to cop a feel while carrying you down the ladder? And then the last bar you just rhyme random words. Any plan to develop a story here was lost in its wording. One bar stuck with me, the rest just seemed like words strung together that shouldn't go together. "immorally with authority" "remorselessly with apathy" That's like saying, "He didn't feel any remorse, but also, he didn't feel anything." It's just weird, man.
MKG gets an easy victory
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