trap: I really liked this verse, maybe because I've been keeping up with Ferguson more than any other news story despite no connections to the area. You captured a lot of aspects of what led to this crescendo in your fairly thin metaphor. Another thing I liked here is how well you wrote this as a 10-line verse. The directness wouldn't have worked over 30 lines. Everything here was structured for this length. Your rhymes are, as always, solid enough to get the job done without being too impressive.
Adonis: Everyone's writing about social media whores these days, huh? I guess that makes sense. You had a very strong idea for what you were going for but lost yourself with the slow buildup. There also were a few awkward turns of phrase ("Constructing of mountains" and "admires a plastic cap" and "lips that can't taste"). The very last line was great, but the one before it seemed like you were trying to catch up and make sure people got what you were going for, as though you knew some of your word choice made the first eight lines a bit opaque.
Vote: trap
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.
|