split; painted a vivid picture of a mid-life crisis of sorts. a lot of tiny personal touches I really enjoyed. things only you would know; you write in a subliminal way. It is rather poetic and unique and quite interesting I will add. Your rhyme schemes were unorthodox to say the least. This was well written. I'm not sure I would could call it a well written rhyme or rap; but well written in a different sense; I cannot trace my finger over. It did strike me as subtle and cunning. You dropped your schemes off of cliffs; where the void is suppose to be filled; you neglected to. In other areas you rhymed half-heartedly. But it worked.
Quote:
In fact, as the four winds took to the small town population
he lost almost a fourth of his friends to academic obligations.
Jogs no longer felt safe, and his porch was empty in summers.
Every sunset, life became more portioned, confined to his wonder.
His city a maze of blurred faces, orphan of consequence-
He and Mikaela fin'lly bought an apartment. Day jobs pay rent,
Bills and entertainment. they loved in the darkness, if only by bed.
Holding his head. Perennial migraines and indigestion.
Couldn't stomach this, gradually dying with temples clenched
|
IAmBent; portrayal of abuse are never pretty; I enjoyed the rich soccer mom aspect of this verse. You wrote from a vulnerable place; not easy to do. You wrote it in such a way I could feel for the character without feeling repulsive. I am seeing a trend of writing from Womans perspectives and I'm not used to reading that. I think you made it work for you. Good rhyming. And you had a great pace. Good line length. Right in the happy zone.
Quote:
|
Emotions roller coaster as she rolls her stroller closer
|
Great line.
You wrote from a melting pot of voices. The dad, the mom, the kid. Very cynical. Favorite Section
Quote:
My screams bleed, feed my husband’s… good wife I
My life, why…doesn’t have to be like… I..
Nighttime, alone, the pills and the vanity..
I see lines, thin quills under canopies,
Where dull orbs rest beneath a creasing horizon
Our daughter walks in… I see, when her eyes wince
The tiny little twinkle of her Grandad’s snicker..
After vittles sprinkled with a bit o’ mad-dash liquor...
I…. Ayyyyy…. I should have killed the little bitch quicker.
|
Overall; good battle. two distinctive styles of writing clashing. I liked splits obscurity and liked IAmBents debacle.
v/ IAmBent; close though