Fucked up battle.
zygote had a really cool, i guess i would say step into the moment type verse. presented a setting and walked the reader through the sights, sounds, and the story arose. the rhyming was sound.
Quote:
They huddle together, barely able to stand,
Clauberg walks over wringing and contorting his hands,
We see he looks like a caricature more than a man,
His face twisted into a growl, permanent scowl, he nods at the Warden of Camp,
"You may leave commandant, I must begin preliminary tests,"
Clauberg singles out a woman and traces his finger over her chest.
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very subtle characterizations here.. "tracing a finger", diction all around matched the tone and mood like a fitted suit.
I actually know Dr. Clauberg's a real person from some research i did awhile ago.
Quote:
The experiments continue, we witness vivisections,
No anaesthetic sterilization, the women given injections.
Clauberg's psychological domination and constant cruel intimidation,
We see his patients force fed his experimental medications,
Clauberg notes "Results in Fallopian blockage and inflammation,"
We see Clauberg's obsession towards artificial insemination -
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one thing i've been noticing in your verses is that your focus on multis can be overwhelming in spots. i think i can see how it all ties together, but taking some lines and simply breaking up some syllables or using smaller schemes for a bar or two would definitely accent your highly advanced rhyme schemes on the whole. here, I actually didn't like this section at all. maybe the large words were unavoidable because of the scientific/ medical subject matter, but it felt very prolix.
i liked the atmosphere you made and the cliffhanger ending.
adonis.
CENTERED VERSES ARE FOR WHORES.
poetic contrast. similar revolting circumstances.
Quote:
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I suppose it could be my spa...spa...speech,
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your verse became more and more abstract as it went along..
Quote:
Incestuous... Created in hate,
But I'm one of a kind good God tailor made,
I hold no grudge for the path that I walk,
I trudged through a cervix outlined in chalk,
No remorse for murder – I clipped her wings,
Let the caged bird fly and enslaved that being,
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didnt like the good God line, "good" was weirdly chipper. cervix in chalk was cool. being/ wings was a bad slant. needed a syllable rhyme before or something. Im caught between not liking your plot and liking your metaphors.
overall, I felt that Zygote's verse was a little less daring, both in terms of mechanics and plot, but i also felt way more absorbed reading it. respect to Adonis for doing well on the abstract front. zygote's verse was too solid, and Adonis's felt... stillborn i guess. interesting battle and tough decision.
V/ Zygote