This was beautifully melacholy. I just listened to The National's
High Violet, and your lyricism approach falls right in line. You work in sparse images interspersed with a functional story line, rather than the reverse like most of us. Sometimes your cadence can fall apart for a moment, but you pick it back up. Moreover, I don't think you ever have any intention of recording any of this. This is your sanctuary, and I can appreciate that for the same reasons. Here are the turns of phrases that really stood out to me:
Quote:
That giggled laugh
was a song shrieked through the little gaps of lost piano teeth.
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Quote:
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Father sky, wrapped inside an infinite braided loop
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Quote:
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We both remember it's better to be free than to be freed.
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I could tell you again that being a little more transparent and giving a little more to the reader would be appreciated. But that advice felt more applicable a year or even six months ago. You've honed your style. This verse absolutely is more transparent and reader-friendly than what you were writing then. Yet it still distinctly is your own work.
Like I said in the vote that was on the verse you bumped recently, you operate better when your verses have movement or flesh out a back story rather than simply sketching a character. This was one of the best things I've read from you.