Entertaining heist story you've told. Love the language and phraseology which invokes shock value.
I thought it had very good rhymes and rhythm.
I will show you 2 picky exceptions of mine:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Free
If moneys the root of evil, im ready with a garden rake
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I can make an argument for taking the comma out here.
It's not a necessity to do so but, to me, it was the first line that tripped me up a little bit on an otherwise quality "flow".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Free
he pushed the passenger out the moving car, going 88
100 racks straight cash, all his & he aint have to do anything
grimey
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I think you should say "goin" rather than "going".
I say this because I think it would make it sound better. Plus in other places you did "drop g's on ing", or use slang (i.e. "fuckin'" and "ain't")...thus it wouldn't break pattern or anything.
And I don't want to fuck wit your story...this is just a suggestion...but perhaps instead of "the passenger", what if you said something shocking and graphic like "he pushed
my body out the moving car"?. Lol. I think it would continue the theme of your casually worded violence. (hope i interpreted it right; as you are the passenger).