I liked the narrative aspect of this quite a bit, that walk that I imagined to be at about dusk, pondering the world through back alleys, wondering about inaction. There was a lot to like in this very brief verse, which I think is a staple of your writing. We have very similar styles. Well, I mix my styles up quite a bit, though I suppose you do as well under other names to a degree. But I write like this a lot. You do a lot with juxtaposed sentence structure, which is a fun little device if a bit obvious. I think some of your punctuation was more to guide rhymes than actually punctuate, but mostly your punctuation was good. The standout lines were perfect, and the writing never veered too far into abstract, never lost sight of the scene. Here are my favorite lines:
Quote:
Glass cobbles from cracked bottles escorting
a chorus. Awkward. They’re trying to sing.
...
Tossing change - hate myself - buying a friend.
Love found on the streets in the smile of a guest’s
thin, cracked lips.
...
My life is my word
and I’m more tight-lipped than I would prefer.
...
Estranged. Hugged it out and you found I was thinner.
Wrote you a letter but the message was false
|
Good work. Thanks for the feedback.