[Split]

Ok.

FAT.

didnt mind the simple schemes till

he spark of light flickers innate inspiration that has been lying in wait
Giving legs to what I contemplate, now my thoughts run in place
As they are the ones who dictate the outcome of this mental race

and then i was like pls tell me you didnt just jump back into that rhyme haha. then you went back to it again at the end, too. it just felt needlessly poetic overall, like there was a simpler way to say it but you wanted to say ti cool, and it didnt resonate right because of the simplicity of the story i guess. usually you pull it off easy. ended up more confused than elucidated.


Patrown.

I thought the story was neato, I dont know why but i didnt see the gun violence bit coming. Bringing this Brian character in was pointless. the rhyming was simple but sorta endearing, most people go for the "anything but straight talk" delivery and you didnt shy away.

your story lacked clarity. it was built up in a cool way. so the kid killed people at school? and the same day, his dad wasnt willing to put his son at risk and go into conflict, so he killed himself rather than put his child in danger?

i mean that ending's got dope potential.. a message about maybe how violence seeps through every crack, or how life is a struggle and you can fight back or give in, or maybe compare and contrast why the father and son took opposite routes and what that says about the dad as a parent.


but it left on a diminished chord. you just ended both plot lines independently. your message became "a dad and his kid both die by violence" which is kinda a stupid message. just work on characterization/ choosing details to make people think something. IF you were reading this, what would you think of these people, how can you use your spot behind the curtain to your advantage? work on plot basically. rhymes will come.


v/ Patrown for a verse with more depth, both had flawed execution.