[Split]

your writing is good but idk if it would work with audio. anyways.

I enjoyed reading this.

First thing, structure your writing a little more. With a long story, a storyboard/ quick chain of events + thoughts might help. I feel as though with Rebecca's thoughts, she is already suicidal in the first few lines. This makes "my thoughts" seem to be reflective on a Rebecca us readers are unfamiliar with, and makes it hard to relate. Imagine helping your friend through a rough break-up without ever having met his girlfriend... I mean, the process might be the same, but your ability to empathize/ help them cope with their range of emotions is severely limited without specifics or references

I think running a parallel plot would also help with your very direct focus on bullying and its effects... maybe a drive to the doctor's, or the beach. You are lost in your thoughts but immersed in the world, and the presentation of your realizations about life & the signifcance of Rebecca's death would carry much more weight... you can play around with imagery, mood, and tone much more. It'd be less of a burden on the reader to try and comprehend the nitty, gritty details of someone who you are presenting as a near stranger. *

Your writing is very clear, logical, and you have good potential for storytelling.

Read some pieces by the users "Just Write" and "Adonis"


Keep keyin & thanks much for the feed

*Subtlety is more powerful than directness, you say more with less words & entice people into thoroughly examining your lines