Wording was buttery, imagery was integrated very naturally & the flow of ideas was upper level.
The river is flowing, glowing much like it's
bioluminescent
As lighter fumes fry my views to crime & doomed expression
Violent moods, depression, silent rooms, compression
Claustrophobic utopias entering minds then move to trenches
Life closing in, I feel the ground shake.. only fields of battle
Scattered, each wrong choice consequently steals what matters
& my father told me that some bridges can never be mended
But I never intended to burn them, hoping heaven accepts it
"utopias entering minds" was shaky but that whole section was ill
Dope & concise.
Thought the subject matter was a little old hat, and you could've easily reached out & pulled down some bigger themes. Be more ambitious with your writing, you can take the topicalist route, be less direct & just wow ppl with finer writing. I'll say you could be more ambitious with your rhyme schemes, though the bold part was money. Do you though.
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=81076
if you get time