[Adonis]

I don't have the most time on my hands currently, and don't want to put off not voting because I know that means I won't so....


Time - [/b]Little did she know, she needed to be active and fit,
not to sit around all day, and what she lacks is a grip-
on what load she chooses to take on. The same old played song :
Underdogs have a chance as long as they play straight and calm.[/b]

Doesn't work for me really. Lets break them up in sentences...

Little did she know she needed to be active and fit, not to sit around all day.

what she lacks is a grip on what load she chooses to take on, The same old played song.

Underdogs have a chance as long as they play straight and calm.


What I've been saying to you in the past is simply this. This is how I read it in this small brain of mine, sure flow helps, and lyricism impresses, big words make me think, but I always read verses as if they were a book first. So breaking a sentence up in for flows sake between a bar is inevitably hard for me to read because it more then likely slices the effectiveness of the line in half; whether you are going for emotion or character build up. These sentences when broke up as I did, have far less affect, which is why I've often accused you of rhyming for the sake of it. With pleasure I absorbed the torment Apparently not. If you haven't noticed yet I will be critical in my critique, we are big boys here and your opponent should share the same brash overtone such as this, barring whether or not he wrote a masterpiece, which he didn't as i've read each verse a few times now since yesterday. Continuing... I cleaned the mirror so I can see my stress reeling in more clearer reflections of timed plots. I haven't read the other votes, but I can't be the only to highlight this line as poor wording.

OK, so throughout this verse you had strong character build up, both on the women and man. You named the lady Eve so I can draw a vast amount from her character as being a type of women rather then one literal women. The issue I have is you painted the man with strength, saying how you fought through adversity and lived a good life dreaming of being a cop. Then he kills himself, the ending really felt out of place. You even opened up with how you girl Eve would laugh at, but I don't see how she could with such tragic events. All in all, there was good flow riddled within the verse, but some sentences beyond flow were, well, for a lack of better wording myself, just not that great.


YDK - hmmmm....Opening bar was not great. I see him in the calm unknown dark of a new land, but you threw in "tracking" for rhyme sake and left it at that. I prefer the bar to not rhyme with out quoted word because to me, the simple rhyme took away the meaning of the rest of said bar. You do the same thing with "Radium; Granite" I actually think the entire scheme worked best if you used Grant it. I also notice you doing almost an "A, AB" Scheme, but the "A" in the middle of the next bar doesn't always work, like you again, are throwing in rhymes just cause. Although I can't truly complain, because the progression and overall visual you painted were very strong, so in a sense I guess I'm saying you did chose words wisely, but you don't always always always have to rhyme rhyme rhyme, sometimes a simple "a,a,b,b" scheme is more effective then the heavy weighted schemes.

Soo....I think this is one of your better verses brother. You did well, very well, in giving me a backdrop of a new world. I see the sun, the water, slimy creatures, tormented screams. Then, at the same time you gave me a character, I see this man giving all he has willingly, to better human living. This was a true story, with solid, very solid writing. In the second bar you eliminated the heavy and erratic rhyme scheme, this, was on the other spectrum, too simple rather then dense and muddled. I do believe your happy medium is mixing them, where the heavy schemes are sprinkled about every other bar or three, this to me gives you the power to play yet also allows you to paint those images while not being constricted to heavy flow./


Voting YDK, overall he just had more impacted writing.