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namix · 07-16-2014, 11:02 PM

[QUOTE=Blanco Bishop;363478]
Can tell u a fag, claimin u had celebrities bagged, bruh, ur coke strung.
Only celebrity bag u can claim's that faggity purse u bought at Nordstrom.
-- this was aiight. to me, it 'revealed' too much from setup to punch, like it was clear what the celebrity bag wordplay was going to be, and really its just a 'bag' wordplay in the end --- but, it felt personal, and i dug the flow-carry over to the next bar

---- buuuut be careful with that. it's tempting for sure, and def. dope in a freestyle, but in a written... you can sacrifice concept for flow really easily if you dont get it right... just didnt really feel the pornhub punch

How u top tier?! Stop queer. Ill raise ma game'n leave ya fucked up from within.
Your tier is really mid aer..jus'like your body when i land this uppercut to your chin.
-- obv. the aer angel gets used on him a lot... but I did think this was solid 'nuf here though. I liked your wording here, probably the best of your verse to me. you can lose a bit of the redundancy, repeating the same thing in the setup and punch.... it seems like a damn generation of writers did it when i went on like hiatus lol... sometimes the "call back" makes sense, but a lot of times there is room for a synonym to keep it interesting.

U been actin the playa type, but no one wants ME around they boo...
Tell the truth. U say all bitches get fucked on the side? Yeah..that's how me n yours start our rendezvous.
--- lol nice, i like the angle.

think about that though, the angle.

take the bitch from the side... then off the side of the bed... then doggy and back to missionary so you can bust on her head...

that kind of "conceptual expansion" turns a nice 'word!' personal/type punch into something potentially lethal... you are conveying the same thing except doing very simple wordplay off "girls get fucked on the side", and making it about your positions in a very specific way --- just tends to make it hit more, you know?

if you ever want more concerted help or something holla, cuz i think you can increase a few levels pretty quick by considering some simple tips. anyway, good stuff..
-----------------------------

===============
AERI

top fucking around
.
.

Girls get insanely jealous, it's something you know nothing about
Last time you drove a chick mad you picked her up from my house
------------------------- hah, i appreciate how you made such a siiiiimple concept hit through just crisp delivery dude.... it's def. a talent that so few people look to learn, but is probably one of the most important if you're a long-term writer and pride yourself on never/rarely gettin writers block... solid display.

I can see it now, blunts in his car, rap blasting through speakers are clear
friends in back eager to roll up... the windows when black people are near
-------------------------- very similar to the opener, lol, nice.

solid ---

clearly Aero one this one...

i just realized that it was already over though haha...

i still might as well post since i wrote this and have admin priviledges i guess

07-16-2014, 11:02 PM	#2
namix been that, done there. Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 2,259 Battle Record: 2-1 Accomplishments - OM HOF Rep Power: 85246655	[QUOTE=Blanco Bishop;363478] Can tell u a fag, claimin u had celebrities bagged, bruh, ur coke strung. Only celebrity bag u can claim's that faggity purse u bought at Nordstrom. -- this was aiight. to me, it 'revealed' too much from setup to punch, like it was clear what the celebrity bag wordplay was going to be, and really its just a 'bag' wordplay in the end --- but, it felt personal, and i dug the flow-carry over to the next bar ---- buuuut be careful with that. it's tempting for sure, and def. dope in a freestyle, but in a written... you can sacrifice concept for flow really easily if you dont get it right... just didnt really feel the pornhub punch How u top tier?! Stop queer. Ill raise ma game'n leave ya fucked up from within. Your tier is really mid aer..jus'like your body when i land this uppercut to your chin. -- obv. the aer angel gets used on him a lot... but I did think this was solid 'nuf here though. I liked your wording here, probably the best of your verse to me. you can lose a bit of the redundancy, repeating the same thing in the setup and punch.... it seems like a damn generation of writers did it when i went on like hiatus lol... sometimes the "call back" makes sense, but a lot of times there is room for a synonym to keep it interesting. U been actin the playa type, but no one wants ME around they boo... Tell the truth. U say all bitches get fucked on the side? Yeah..that's how me n yours start our rendezvous. --- lol nice, i like the angle. think about that though, the angle. take the bitch from the side... then off the side of the bed... then doggy and back to missionary so you can bust on her head... that kind of "conceptual expansion" turns a nice 'word!' personal/type punch into something potentially lethal... you are conveying the same thing except doing very simple wordplay off "girls get fucked on the side", and making it about your positions in a very specific way --- just tends to make it hit more, you know? if you ever want more concerted help or something holla, cuz i think you can increase a few levels pretty quick by considering some simple tips. anyway, good stuff.. ----------------------------- =============== AERI top fucking around . . Girls get insanely jealous, it's something you know nothing about Last time you drove a chick mad you picked her up from my house ------------------------- hah, i appreciate how you made such a siiiiimple concept hit through just crisp delivery dude.... it's def. a talent that so few people look to learn, but is probably one of the most important if you're a long-term writer and pride yourself on never/rarely gettin writers block... solid display. I can see it now, blunts in his car, rap blasting through speakers are clear friends in back eager to roll up... the windows when black people are near -------------------------- very similar to the opener, lol, nice. solid --- clearly Aero one this one... i just realized that it was already over though haha... i still might as well post since i wrote this and have admin priviledges i guess __________________ well fed.