/v brass body - you just earned a fan. i'm not sure why that flow has me by the booboo like it does, but you got me.
multiples and syllable counts lined up like something to model my own after. favorite lines..
A scholar no more; I'm stronger, a monster who conquered the sport,
no longer on course, I pondered and wondered off from offers of war.
only advice i could give would be to stray away from the scheme of rhyme comma longer rhyme. the commas between breaths were a bit predictable, it's not that i didn't like any of it at all- that's just all i can give you as far as advice goes.
topicaldood5- your verse didn't go into as much of a chronological setting.. was more of a philosophical pondering than a story with a start and finish. i can't hold either approach above one another, but it's an observation i feel relevant to deciding a victor between the two of you. the reason for this is.. i couldn't really find a conclusion to your story. it's not that it wasn't good, or insightful. i just didn't feel the story wound to an end.
these bars are an example of my why i made my decision.
upon temple fixtures - the petals glisten, his mind a verdant matrix
Of arbor in bloom - where the sun shines, until skies hearken his doom
Signaling challenges of relaying mathematics from the dark of a tomb
He keeps his furor patient, as his physical fades - but his burning rage
Augments the struggle in perfecting the ways he can keep the future turning his pages!
And his cauldron - it bubbles, questing after that mystical flower
In his forested mind but its growing wizened and sour
his mind, his burning rage, his pages.. his cauldron. all were beginnings to me. i felt like these bars could've been broken up and developed to lead into one another in a more cohesive way, offering the reader a story they could get into. altogether, this imagery is tangible.. and each point was taken in turn. but as a whole, i didn't feel like i was along for the ride as much as a spectator. the emotions you're relating are excellent.. but stringing it all together with a major end conclusion would've been a major turning point in my opinion.
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