ydk - the piece in it's entirety, to me, was a journey into insanity. i like that. anyway, your approach was flawless and there really wasn't a way to fuck it up. meaning, it was a rather simple approach.. but being executed so well, it read well. you hit the topic on the head. i'm usually not big on chorus, in topicals, but here i felt like it worked. the last one being delusional as shit. good stuff all around. i really enjoyed this set the most of all.
Self pity and hatred mated and created my greatness,
a crab in a pet store; a broken shell that I painted.
My opinion of the world jaded from the people that hated,
So I come out of my shell and look at myself; naked.
Behind all the ugliness, I felt disgraced; on a shelf
Yet now I sit with a smile and embrace myself.
it was my favorite set for a couple reasons. one, you explained the process gone through well. also, i liked the crab in a pet store line very much. the different voices of your two main stanzas affected the piece's effect. and i liked it more after a second read.
adonis - all in all i think your piece's tone fit the tone of the topic. a little off center, if you will. you bounced around from different themes a bit. starting with some elements, going into music and back to earth again.. it was just some powerful writing. to the point and effective. i started running into some problems just after mid way though. like this line..
Currently siphoning jest through eyelids perplexed.
the word currently was not necessary. it matched up with conquests hard c, but otherwise, that's a lot of syllables to start a line with.. for an unnecessary modifier. the -ing on siphoning implied it's happening currently. i just dont like the word in verses most times , tbh. anyway, the jump from steady imagery to the dead humanoids line threw me off a little too. although it fit in with the tone, the diction was a little out of place, and since it was the only question.. i was just left feeling like it was more important as a reader, then it might've been to you, as the author. other then a couple rough edges i enjoyed this piece. it's a little hit and miss but some of it shined.. like this ..
Think of a song; rhythmically sound.
Brass winds blowing a tempo that's found,
Drums trembling ground,
dancers flowing around...
Trampling this gift once renowned.
A precious land won't withstand our detractions denounced.
i enjoyed that set very much. also enjoyed the broken assonance here...
Images branded into rare garments that melt.
This hardening shell is molten-
garments that melt.. hardening shell. idk. i really liked that. and your last stanza was cool as fuck too. i just wish, in the end.. that you tied it all together. maybe played off your topic a little more directly. i still liked what you imagined, though.
/v ydk - he hit the topic better. had adonis centered his verse around a specific idea or moment i would be voting for him because his imagery was very strong. great battle.
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