[Certain]

timeless: I think with a lot of your more ambitious verses — and this is the most ambitious I've seen from you — you fail to ground your characters and images and even word choice. You bounce around a lot, as though there's no central purpose, and that leads to a lot of disharmony and lacking clarity. Now, I should add that this problem is endemic in a lot of text rap, but I think it's the biggest issue hold you back. If you could come up with a sketch of where you were going with a verse before you started writing, you actually might find yourself saving time because you'd be able to write more concisely. Here, there was too much going on to follow it all. And the connections weren't clear enough. I think the topic was a challenge for you because it grew your ambitions. You could have stuck with one cogent path from a dream but chose instead to sprawl. The rhymes were very heavy and mostly fine, as the cadence stuck. But every time the verse grabbed my interest, it switched on to a different tip.

Vividlyvague: Your signature (especially with "perfect" misspelled) is the ideal ending to this verse. There were some really good sections to this, slick phrasing and enviable rhyming. But it never came anywhere near a whole because there was no thread running through it to tie together the loose ends, and the relation to the topic was very much tacked on to the end. You procrastinated and ended up with a short verse that had some potential but fell way short. At least timeless tried to tie his pieces together to a degree. I'll take the thematic ambition over the freewrite any day.

Vote: timeless