Quote:
Originally Posted by dead man
This was written in English and rhymed somewhat. Posted on a message board. Cool shit. Opener and closer solid, words used ok. Can't wait to read more!
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pretty spot-on analysis.
There's a lot to like about this verse. Rhyme and rhythm/flow are strong points for sure, which makes it eminently readable. And you never get in the way of yourself either; there are times when multis are so densely laden, rhythm so emphasized that it causes me to breeze right through without really thinking about what I'm reading. This may not be a common affliction, but it does happen to me, but here it didn't happen.
Some things I thought could be improved. First, and I've seen this echoed a few times before, sometimes the wording is awkward for the sake of the rhyme. We've all done it, but there are usually better alternatives, either finding a different rhyme or forsaking the multi for the better phrasing. Here are some examples of what I mean:
line 1: "sin is flamed" - this means nothing, clearly there just for the rhyme. You pulled it off to an extent because it fit into the larger frame of "an inferno is cast," but it's still an awkward phrase on its own nah mean.
line 7: "harnessing their planet's pride in their grace" - again, just really unclear what to make of this. part of it is you use "in" when typically you harness something "for" something, which clogs up the phrase, but I don't get the pairing of pride and grace and how that relates to the approaching army in the larger sense.
line 16: "to have a heart in an off beat zone" - now, I actually like this turn of phrase in a way; the play of having a heart and being off beat is clever. However, the problem lies in the "off beat zone," because it seems ill-fitting for an otherwise melodramatic verse of sorts. It's like talking about the evils of the holocaust and the smell of rotting flesh in the air and then saying "concentration camp SUCKS." It's not that it isn't true, it's just odd to say it that way, especially since your descriptions were so heavy-handed before.
Other issues I had:
-there were many instances of exposition that undermined the atmosphere I think you were going for. Like "I'm worried and sad" and "I cry and I pray." There's nothing inherently wrong with things like this, but this can be done better by painting a better visual for us - "showing" instead of "telling," as the adage goes.
And as an overall execution of the concept "Man vs. Machine," I thought this was a fairly flat scene. Nothing happened. That isn't to say that painting a portrait is a bad thing - Split Eight is someone who does it excellently - but it's hard to pull off well because they are typically one-note. Which can be boring. You're a good enough writer to not bore me with it, but there wasn't much for me to connect to, emotionally, intellectually, etc, to make this have any impact after I finished reading.
To be sure, you're a dope writer. You're being really active so far, and I didn't want to come in here and be like "dope shit man, cool rhymes." I'm certain you know where your strengths lie, and that you aren't wack. Hence why I focused more on the things I felt could be improved, as opposed to the many many positive things going on. Overall this was good, though I'd suggest maybe narrowing it down more specifically. Like, instead of giving me a brief history of this dystopian future, tie it down to the final battle or something, and weave in bits of history as the immediate action takes place. In any case, keep dropping, good to see fresh talent around here.