Innovator:
That was one misleading way to start your verse haha.. It was cool to spin it to talk about creating a verse rather than actual children. You can definitely rhyme, but there were times where it seemed like you just plopped words in because it rhymed. It wasn't overdone, but I think at times if you opted for other ways to phrase your line rather than one that lended itself to more rhyming, it would have help you travel further in your story with less words. Really liked your "Giving legs to what I contemplate" line. It was enjoyable overall, but I couldn't shake the feeling that you could have taken this piece much further and really make it top notch..
Patrown:
You know how picky I can be... With that said, on line 4.. it should be "woman" not "women." I'm sure you're used to my nitpicking by now lol..
A school shooting topic.. With the direction you took on this and the execution, it came off as a bit lackluster... I gave it a couple reads, and just couldn't get into it. What it is might be how not all the lines helped you really develop the story.. For example..
Quote:
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It was all worthwhile before she passed
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That line gave us some background, sure, but it didn't really play a role anywhere else in the piece.. same with the part about what he watches on tv.. and with the ground you were trying to cover, a bit more efficiency in what to elaborate on and what to skip might have helped you a great deal here...
Vote: I wasn't really sure who to give this one too.. but i gave it some more thought and i'm gonna give this one to
Innovator