Adonis:
Loving this piece... You really brought the imagery, but on top of that, layered it with nice rhymes and flavorful wording. The skill here was really telling when you took ideas that we've seen over and over again, but still took a fresh spin on them. "memories coast," "covered by the color of skies," etc... all ideas I've seen before, but never quite seen spun that way. I do think that last stanza was not as great as the first two, but that last line was a killer way of ending the whole piece.
and to nitpick:
Quote:
|
The politic wars that the graves can taste
|
Think you might have meant to type "political" >.>
Vinzr:
Ever read "And a Hard Rain Fell..."? There's a dope scene where the soldier kills a viet cong with a grenade and can't get the image of his dead body out of his mind... But anyways. "hot air elopes" was dope, but the following line... thought the "evokes" ending was a little strange... "evoked" would have worked better even.. but i nitpick. The idea of someone haunted by killing someone.. not a new idea, but always a cool one when explored right.. I think what hurt this piece was not enough of the backstory.. I couldn't get into the piece and see where your character is coming from... And for a first person narrative, though he's in a really distressed condition.. i couldn't feel that from the narration...
Vote- Adonis