bladed thesis - i really enjoyed this following set tho..
Suddenly, the bell rings and halls fill to capacity
He checks, estimating the ratio of civilians to magazines
Then time goes still; this is real and a tragedy
An all-to-familiar story of boyhood thrill and audacity
Building on casualties, his strength of will mixed with mastery
With a villian's practicality, brilliant yet baffling
that was your strongest set of lines imo. but these two lines are really good too...
Classroom silent, in the corner a nerd stirs, nervously flushed
Outside, the cops have arrived and the school is perfectly hushed
although i did enjoy the first stanza, i wasn't particularly fond of beholder.. it felt like filler, and starting off with four straight end rhymes, i've got to mention that. it's like boom headshot, cool, gamer lingo. but that fit in nowhere and really stuck out. overall, I had some problems with word choices. felt like you were drawing out your alliteration a little bit too much. more focused on rhyme than content, but still... i'm being critical of a nice piece for voting purposes. and i think that's 17-1.
king ra- i enjoyed your direct approach. this for instance..
A blood clot traveled from his legs to his lungs, killing him instantly.
His father didn't blame it on the game- but I see things differently.
when i read it, it just resonated with me. you really utilized your writers voice as "death" well with this piece, and those lines are the crux of my opinion. you didn't necessarily adhere to any strict scheme, but at the same time, you did not force rhymes, at all. everything felt like the story you were trying to portray. i appreciate that. this set.. could've used a little bit more pizazz imo.
then he ended up dying from heart failure due to malnutrition.
He barely drank or slept, & only ate instant ramen noodles,
but you got to give it to this guy for his endurance though, so KUDOS!!!
26-year Zhuang from China weighed 330-pounds & decided to run a marathon-
seriously. He planned to play online games during a holiday break, all week long.
His heart failed, unfortunately. I bet it couldn't wait til it was over,
although the first line and last line had their respective pairs above and below.. the inside needed some work.
/v king ra - this was a hard decision for me. i'm at odds with a genuine straightforward message, and some flashy writing. imho, if i had taken some sort of.. message, or ... underlying statement from bt other than an assertion video games might possibly lead to school shootings , which i disagree with... i probably would've voted for him. but i enjoyed ra's piece more today.
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