[dead man]

i liked the way you framed this, opening up - the distinction you draw between the words "to" and "til" is really a crucial aspect of how to approach this verse. I'm reminded of a wrinkle in time for some reason. should really give it another read. point to the fact that a trip "to" eternity is not necessarily linear or even necessarily temporal. until references time, but "to" is purely a directional preposition.

the road tripping was well portrayed and directly correlated with your theme of directional movement. from experience i can attest to the fact that road trips often are never as linear as one would expect and there are always the types of problems that become your best memories. i.e., the smiling girl during what is classically the low point of your trip.

you transition us through different atmospheres of 4 wheel travel. it almost gives us the impression of zig-zagging. which oddly contrasts with how the verse physically looks and rhythmically behaves. you throw normative rhyme standards to the wind in a way most have been conditioned to avoid in favor of more multiple-laden complexity that arises not from the content itself but the method used to express it. spirit and bone.

the beginning and final stanzas were my favorite for the descriptive starkness. I'm referring not to the beginning of the verse but the trip.


Eras melt off its slate siding

There's a patio with a chair and an ashtray on the ground.
The ashtray's full. The chair is empty.
The wind whips without making a sound.
It turns the leaves, brown now. Once a perfect green.
And that alone means we haven't found Eternity.

this was great as a conclusive note. what was interesting was your naturalizing of eternity. in reference to the leaves physicality you bring temporality to the forefront of your content in the very last couplet. it seems you open a lot of doorways in few words if one is looking for them.

great submission here. assuming it was for the league at some point.

thanks


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