Disliked the multiple rhymes in the beginning section, especially the "new-jacket, cruel-madness, smooth-fabric" and the "tan-lines, stand-by, land-slides" ones. This probably seems like a petty criticism but these kind of rhyme schemes make the writing feel disingenuous to me. The best example is a comparison of; "tides onto the shoreline's pasture, creating bliss from nothing.
Nothing budges when you dont even find yourself to put trust in." - which is an excellent line and seems genuine, and "Maybe he's been too busy chasing those tan lines.
Mindset on some hollywood racing with land slides." - which is not excellent, mainly because of how the line itself seems like an afterthought to the rhyme scheme. Apart from some small other areas like that, the story was good and it held interest. The last scene descending with the final choice of rebellion over any of the doors was a good comment about free-will.
Just quickly back to the original thing about rhyme schemes, the biggest distinction is the seamless word choice by Split Eight. Not a single word feels misplaced, it is all very concise and thematically consistent. Really well planned out and separated, the short background at the start, transitioning into the character defining section in the middle, and then the great short ending that destroys the whole character. This was a really interesting contest with both having different conclusions on the same underlying theme. Timeless wrote about free-will and the choice of rebellion with the main character shaping their own fate, while Split Eight had all the free-will stuff but in the end the main character just gets hit by a bus with a kind of predetermined straightforwardness. Voting for Split Eight.
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