[Split]

Originally Posted by Chief Justice Wright

But shaun was quick on his feet, they called him little Daytona.
In the pocket, you couldn't stop him, hints of a young Joe Montana
Superstitious kid, always wore his black & red, skull bones bandana

very good

And on this evening, "little" daytona, felt he was in a jungle among the trees...

Bad metaphor

[quote]


Very straightforward, literal, enjoyed the nuance that it wasn't solely the QB's hubris that was his downfall, but the fact that he WAS highly regarded and that his talent was a function if his dedication to the sport... so he was taken down by what he perceived to be "a mediocre defense, not worthy of study" because they rose to the occasion.

I guess my only complaint is how was he never center stage if he was undefeated? And MVP, too.

Would've been cool to see more input from the narrator or thoughts from Shawn throughout the game. Your writing is very natural and your have a knack for storytelling... it's only really evident, though, because there are no flaws with your storytelling.... That's not to say it isn't flawless. I think you are too reserved sometimes, you don't show much narrative voice or, how do I say this.

You don't bring attention to certain parts of your stories or seem like you really care/ are involved in your stories. Like imagine, I dunno... your grandpa, your college roommate, and your high school teacher retelling the same fable... each one would do it similarly, but would maybe describe things in a way that are particularly them... or focus on very certain parts of the fable... and you would be more likely to remember those things than the fable, cause I mean its not a very uncommon story.

I think it was too matter-of-fact and there wasn't enough personality, and I only say that cause I think that you have the writing and rhyming potential to balance soooo many ideas and symbols and etc etc etc.... and to make the story (AND/OR your style, as with pancake/vulgar/dull boy) YOURS which is really what I wanna read when I vote.

EDIT: I mean, I definitely see your style of writing... I'm talking like, what thoughts you are consciously bringing to the minds of any readers. The real end goal of writing, making people see/feel/understand. Make people understand on a level they didn't know existed, because you led them to it. It's here when storytelling transitions from making up characters and plots into exploring the human psyche, organically, casually, and without philosophical doctrines or psychological dissertations.

Originally Posted by Zombie

JOURNAL ENTRY: 4/28/14
This is the perfect topic. It explains me perfectly.
I'm highly ranked.
I'm amazing. words are clean. my over-workings chronic.
flow is so atomic. and my cadence? certainly.
everything i wrote is flawless
any strain of lava zomb' creates is flowing hotness.
it's like gauge unloaded on em'
insane, atonement. godly.
some say a faint robotic, but I complain Im hercules.
I've mastered greatness. heard of me?

(more flexing)

Good autobiographical shit/ display of self.

JOURNAL ENTRY: 5/2/14

Look, I didn't mean to be cocky, i really am sorry
i reigned supreme as a god, and mocked you as weakling. youre hardly
but in the evenings, i worry. but not about the league
i worry about me. I worry about worrying. I worry about dreams
if you don't win, zombie, they'll crucifix you
i'll just throw whatever together & pretend I couldnt get to it
im trying to relax. but i've gotten to a point
people expect stuff in my verses, and the work to be had
if hardwork beats talent, i guess hardworks my dad.
where all my talent seems superficial
my mind creates scenarios where i am caved
sometimes... I don't want to be highly ranked

Cool.. preach... addressing the topic now as well as the situation that you are in...

but they don't profoundly understand how it is. absolutely no one does
if skill was a fountain jug, my will to give is the water floating out of it
pain's read out in scars, each day thuds intense mid-drift
where metaphors, melts my core, & kisses. my blood with red lipstick
and as I'm pacing, I could list the feelings that comes with greatness:
various nobs of patience, periods of ostentation
serious numbed sensation; fear to become complacent
nullify the nascent, buzzing. you could hear the drumming bass in
everything. my morning coffee doesnt even wake me up
as i'm unveiling scuffs. and morph into amorphous zombie
no one sees the work i emanate within
just end results when this savior shows up
relationships are a tease, and take a shit
because i'm flirting with failure so much
you're now witnessing the fluctuating collapse of my frustrating debacle
bankrupting my patience, as all you judge me and toggle your punctuating bravado

-end log

All of that was dope, for me. I liked how it fell apart at the end. I don't know why.


Really interesting take on the topic that was just about as straightforward as Just Write's, but expressed more... personally. Like, not even because it is descriptive but because it explores the caveats and niches and details of being highly-ranked... I think this ADHDistic panoramificating is the reason your writing is so affective... like Black if he wasn't so conceptually anchored.



Very good battle, thoroughly enjoyed both writings for exact opposite reasons... but I think Zombie won because of his thoroughness and the execution of his angle.