[Split]

Originally Posted by Johnathan Mercy

“The only safe road to honor, glory and dignity is justice.” —

George Washington


Glory was a failed mobster and name dropper
Honor a ghoul; a goon and a grave robber
Dignity a depraved father
- keeping well-behaved daughters in slave collars
Roughnecks that would bust lips
- And hawk snuff flicks to make dollars
Or they'd take dollars... hustlers and earners
- Roving at random busting their burners
Corrupted, perverted, destructive, disturbing
- disruptive, concerted, plundering burglars
Unscrupulous nature - most disgusting of persons
Despite his toughness and fervor Justice was murdered

Very, very thought-provoking. I like how unconventional/ antithetical your verse is right off the bat, it really makes people realize they have to search for significance if they want to find it. It doesn't necessarily change the quality or impact of your verse, but it is clever.

Your personification of Glory, Honor, and Dignity are jarring. I'm not sure to what degree Justice is the (failed?) means to each of these ends. I feel as if each 'character' is more of a misunderstanding of these three ideals... or like, a forsaken figure that once stood for Them, and through failure has become but the methods and patterns that used to administer these ideas. "Honor" was sloppy.

Mass ineptitude can kill the strongest dogma.

Circumventing justice, in one way or another, lead these three metaphorical people astray.

This was a solid base, but I really didn't think it was fleshed out enough... nothing felt firmly established, and there didn't seem to be much cause or delineation as to what this Chaos means in terms of the Quote, but you did make it clear that without Justice honor, dignity, and glory lose their value...

Overall a tiny bit uninspired and thin on details. Short but tenacious.

Nice rhyming, but I wanted moar.

Originally Posted by Vividlyvague

The door swept open with the silent grace of a good lubricant.
"Jason, what do we do with this?" stepping in, his lawyer wasn'ttoo convinced
His twenty year pal was this ruthlessprick. But if the charges are due to stick,
JasonKnight fought right,but lost sight of 'the fight' in the truest sense.
"I need your plea and your testimony, and then I'll walk you throughthe script..."
"Well..." Jason was new to this. This 'due process' was brutal just up to this point.

"Silent grace of a good lubricant" lol I don't like the connotation of lubricant... very weird way to lead off.

So the lawyer is ruthless asshole. Jason fought the trial (upcoming) correctly but not ethically/ "properly."

The media made him the heel, a perception that to kill was his pastime and joy.
There -was- a silent wrath in this void, however. With motive... a past to exploit.
"...I just wanted to be a good cop, and be a dad to my boys."
"Yea, but this is new terrain, Jace. They'll attack and deploy until..."
"What?"
"..until all the good your deeds amassed are destroyed!"
"I know this looks bad, Harvey, but this path was worth the bashes and points."
"Jason. We've been friends since... since that clash with that Boyd fella.
You know i'm the first at batfor you with loyalty forever,
But... ever thought you were over the top with your avenging endeavors?"
Jason wastaken aback, their kinship connection was severed...
"Boyd deserved to lose that finger! You and I took my sis to the ER together!
...Or is that the kinda shit you take for granted and don't care to remember?!"

ROUGH transitions. Good slants/ individual rhymes. But not fluid.

So Jason is being construed as a murder by the media. Awk dialogue. "Bashes and point" das not it mane.

Idk what is happening with the guys not being brothers/ friends bc of his moral critiques. REALLY need to know what happened for this to make sense.

Harvey paused. "My bad, Jace. I didn't mean it. Just help me so your chances are better..."
"I plead guilty. First degreemanslaughter. Three counts."
"What?! I can help! You know I know the law down to the letter!"
"No. I will confess to all charges. All you need to do is listen."
"Fuck. I'm -all ears-, or whatever."

"Press Record."

Dude killed three dudes but was actually a good dude???

Jan 17th was thestart of the war. A narc's worst nightmare, and Satan's reward.
At the crackdown's epicenter was the big fence,
Cartel guns and troopers putting points on the board.
Formerly SWAT, me and Jordan B. Potts were go-to's, stopping the 'pure'.
5 yr partners, we squat, and pounce on the rot rookies failed to procure.
During myvacay in dubai away from the narcotic gangs and the grime they bated. The lure:
"Jordan Braxton Potts'll be shot in the head if we're not cut in on your scores..."
Being the lax semi-jock I am with my glock, I said,"Go fuck your pinche abuela, senor!"

I thought the dialogue was good here and everything was tighter but wtf just happened. Who tf got kidnapped and why the fuck did everything

how is this first person now?

CLICK.Was there merit to the threat? I called Potts to make sure.
BRRRRRRRRTT. BRRRRRRRRTT. CLICK. "Bear claws in honey..."
The code. Right. "Tigger's treehouse is funny."
"Wassup, Jace? I was just about ta--
..."
"Hello? Potts?"
"Yea. Someone's here. Who's aware of my spot?"
"No one except me. But I did get a call from these-"
"SWAT! What the fuck is this?! You're coming with us. Resist and get shot!"
"Jordan. Jordan!" They tortured him while I listened. Sent his head in a box.
His wife and children reported dead days later in a similar plot.
I was responsible. They framed me with the drop.
My gun was on the scene. The ones caught gave my name and got locked.
So I traced lines to get even. Carlos Mendoza. Cartel leader of three men.
Cop hunters and extortion elitists. Abortions to society due to criminal genius.

last line had shit wording.


SWAT tortured and murdered their coworkers?? good end rhymes at the end. but what? I mean I thought they were senior-level SWAT dudes themselves who took the Pure left behind... and Potts got kidnapped... and now Jason is talking to Potts who is now getting tortured... okay i understand but kind of

The war was over Menonnite allegiance and its cover-up.
We got close, they noticed. And now, with me evading the fucking cuffs,
I had to make a move. Good thing Mendoza was a shutter bug.
Instagram gave me all I needed to place some trinkets and call it up.
Then I called him up.
"Hello, cabron."
"Hola, Mendoza. Get ready for your actions to reach closer to home." CLICK.
Some investigative hacking brought me to the palisades. Wife and kids were alone.
In through the back window. Scraped .38, full clip to unload.
"And you did it?!"
Yes. They cried and pleaded, but I am devoid of a soul.
"Mommy, aren't cops supposed to protect us?" KAAK! KAAK! KAAK!
The silencer allowed clean escape, with justice the means to bestow
A judgement upon others in exact exchange for all that they owe.

The code.

I don't think you mean Mennonite lmao.

Mendoza, the cartel leader, is now being sloppy and Jason murdered him and his family. So dude gets revenge on the people who got the hit on his partner and him being a dirty cop is wholly unrelated..

The justice the quote is talking about is not the type that this story is talking about, though? Unless you're saying that Justice is entirely misunderstood by the legal system? I don't think that anybody involved is doing the just thing... in fact,

Anyways... I don't think honor, glory, or dignity were achieved at all, consider dumbfuck Jason Botts was the dude who let his bro get capped because he was busy in Cabo. I mean, justice was SERVED but that doesn't fit with the lesson in the topic, very shallow imo



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CLIFFS OF CLIFFS

Vivid, sorry I just really wasn't feeling this. Absurdly confusing and inconsistent- inconsistent in the sense that the plot was not nearly clear enough to make sense of what was going on in a verse with this grand of scope. The conclusion wasn't rewarding and was very matter-of-fact, that made me mad that I just sorted through that convoluted plot. It is very hard to write stories in rhyme format with any brevity, and you just need to refine your craft. When it comes together, it will be excellent because you have the drive.

Quick advice- the theme/ moral/ conclusion to a piece does not have to be the literal end of the story, explicitly stated, or displayed in its entirety... Very often, the most momentous and crucial aspects of stories and verses are merely alluded to or gathered from context.


VOTE: Jonathon Mercy.