[Fig]

Interesting format here with each stanza being its own little paragraph (stylistically)
Seems like you focused too much on the rhyming here, which I have a problem with as well. It's a tough balance to find. How much you want to test yourself against how much your getting across.
Some lines read clunky because of how extended they were + paragraph format makes it more apparent


The flow however, is a minor factor. The morose atmosphere you set with this piece was due in part to some really cool wording. Great imagery as well. I liked the line about your pupils blossoming. That's my kinda shit right there

We will collab one day eventually hopefully!