jon...
i like how you approached this topic. i think a character study was a much better choice then following a real narrative. your diction and cadence in this are big standouts. i also appreciate the grittiness of this. the imagery portrayed fit right along with the theme you brought. everything about this was enjoyable to me.
vs
zombie
i see this piece as a sort of roller coast. so parts it seems to me to drag on, but then it reaches a peak and just takes off. some of the visuals put forth by this are amazing.
a leviathan designed of swords, and remorseful life’s a giant sore
the whip & chains is scintillating. vindication. I like it more.
i sense distraught discrepancy, a vengeful gods dissected me,
demented block. the mezzanine. the lisp’s I got; from mescaline
molested, rotten. ethylene. penchant for a pencil plot
and for every shot affecting me = a mental wash that sets it free
and it’s getting hot. (figuratively) This electroshock therapy.
&
growing pains are common, but this source of pain is awesome
not a normal, sane, concoction. erase the node for pain. rhodopsin
in this course of stage, it’s awkward : THE MORE I take. I get off it
that to me is pure flame...
but then at times i felt myself being broken up by some of the designed pauses with the punctuation used. so i found myself stopping in awkward places and struggled a bit with that.
overall i think zombies verse was very original and creative and why some parts were just amazing i feel it lacked in others. although it would of beaten quite a lot of the other verses written. just got a poor draw this round
vote- jon
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