el pancake - cool story man, a lonely writer writing about a love triangle. woman cheating on her boyfriend. i get the feeling when reading this that he's wishing that this is what his life was like, love, drama, more excitement, but instead he's just an introvert living monotony. or he's just writing and inventing his only friends, which are all on paper because he's a lonely man. oh wait. he's writing about a threesome of friends that he watches from his window. well done man, creative, kept me thinking, you displayed a good use of rhymes at the ends and here and there, i feel they could have been picked up to give the piece more of a bounce when reading. you displayed a great use of vocabulary and really nice, smooth diction. overall awesome piece.
"but he writes as a contortionist. Twisting and distorting the truth," - love that line
oats - for the first little bit reading this i thought it was just another retelling of the genesis book, and i was disappointed by that fact and was expecting more, but as i kept reading certain twists and differences started arising in the story and made it more interesting and had me thinking "well, what else is he going to change", you were keeping me on my toes for sure to find out. great diction and story telling, solid vocabulary displayed.
"“Lucifer, I thank you, your secret guise was suitable -
now they’ll destroy themselves before they realize they’re beautiful."
overall i felt this was a close battle, i thought oats edged it in nicer diction, rhyme scheme and to me read with more of a flow. i thought pancake edged this in the concept and creativity department. so to narrow this down, i do like my topicals to be able to read with more of a bounce, this is text, i'm not listening to it over a beat i need the rhyme to entertain me.
oats takes this for me.
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