[Split]

I walked a fine line between dreams and neglectful realities,
using my own thoughts as mirrors to reflect life's vitalities.
>cool opener, especially first line. very thought provoking. the second line carried the idea as well despite being a conceptual jump.


If I didn't, then she would be see-through. We bleed blue
because there's no oxygen on our surface for us to breathe. Who
said to que the weak mood? Add in aggression to start unleashing rude
>you should have kept the focus on She. you start jumping around here.

impressions to put a vex in their trued, yet deceiftul hue.
>sloppy wording.

I wish we could tell them this, I wish for the ever so seldom bliss,
the type of unity and respect like if heaven blew hell a kiss.
> DOPE

When coincidences become natural, that's when you know we're fucked.
Stuck in between the mold that shaped us mackerel, we owe an ode to luck
"Because before I lived here in this pond, I seen some crazy shit man.
I shared a small glass bowl with a friend, thats when I switched plans."
Then I asked him, "What do you mean, Stan?" He said he dipped when
his friend died, "they flushed him, and no, not in the sink man."
It was horrifying, he literally watched his friend lay to waste.
He'd say and shake, "Fucking human always display such haste.
Always stuck in some sort of amazing race against life face to face.
Crazed yet they pray for god, then pray at the tables for the ace of spades."
>didn't like the metaphors but effective use of dialogue and narration

For the people and the god of human, here's a message for you :
you will never conquer the seas, we breathe all your medicine used.
We are in fact ; better than you. Free and able to sleep on fables
that your race is dominant, even obama seeks peace in labels.
Lets get away from the politicians, theres not much were missing.
The world's rocked, they're living risk in stocks, got lunch? No? Go fishing!
> I have no idea what the story is at this point but it is being told nicely

This isn't how I wanted to go, having a convo with Stan to end my days.
All species figured you caused this, either way we weren't mean to stay.
Our mother earth finally breathed a sigh of relief as the skies would retreat.
All we could do is try to hide and release when the our time is deceased.
No mind of a human could believe that they're the cause of this.
You just figure every other species are clueless and just caught in it.

Stan's friend's soul lies in a toilet bowl...
...they could've given him a proper burial instead of that.
But then I measured our tracks ;
human's unruly dominance in the world is a collective trap.
Upstream we gathered to chatter about the end of days.
Elders shattered our hopes to live, "This is it! We've been sent to pray."
The water changed color and soon, our party would drown in it.
Humans destroyed the planet,
but they didnt need to bring neptune's army down with it.

This was a sight for sore eyes for sure as I absorbed the shoreline's force.
Becoming one with the land, the final lap of human's wartime horse.



I mean it was gripping and interesting, the writing fostered a natural discourse with the subject matter, but at the same time it was very confusing and unfocused. I don't know what to make of it. I think you need to work on story telling though you definitely have potential as one, and your general topical abilities are more polished than I expected. I think your rhyming didn't fit the general beat of your story, sometimes you just gotta rhyme less for the sake of flow and readability


Certain.


Lots of emphatic quotables in here. Perfect pacing. I didn't like the scattered focus too much. Still enjoyed the story immensely, agree w/ PCB about this style of yours from OMs and collabs suits you much better. I thought it really pulled together at the end, bringing up themes such as the dual standards of military service and patriotism and human nature.


CERTAIN wins, his story operated on a higher level than timless