[PancakeBrah]

MMLP - Wasn't feeling this. I understood the plot but it was a bit of a mess. You just start right away by basically saying "Hey I'm homies with the Devil, srs" and then there's a fight between the devil and god, a literal fight, and you stab God but you're actually a double agent for God and now you're God and you killed the devil and now everything will be good.

You didn't give enough heft for the subject matter you were covering. Using phrases like 'muster up the balls' doesn't do anyone any good in a piece like this. I didn't get the sense of fire and brimstone that such a piece necessitates. Someone could hypothetically argue that you purposefully dressed down the battle as a writing technique but that just doesn't bear out.

You overused pronouns and misplaced or forgot some quotations it seems like, which didn't aid the reading experience. This didn't help the already sloppy feeling I got from this verse.

Not trying to be overly critical, just trying to help. I think you needed to either re-evaluate your concept or deepen your approach. Give more background and flesh out the descriptions. As it stands now this seemed simple, a verse referencing God vs. Devil to try and seem more important and 'deeper' than it is.

d0ubt - Okay piece. I didn't like the Slaughterhouse reference. An allusion like that kind of takes me out of the story reading mode, if that makes sense. Also, the Autumn/fell/fall wordplay seemed a little corny (says the guy who used a sun rise/fall is like summer to fall line last week). I did like the uppercut/underhanded wordplay. That was smooth, didn't take me out of the piece. Also, when you abruptly went from description to Gavin's thoughts without changing format it felt weird but that's not a huge deal. Are you foreign? Renfrew is not a name I'm familiar with. Anyways, the story was fine enough. It's been done before but what hasn't? I thought your rhymes were solid and everything was tightly wound together. Coherent and cohesive. Tied into the topic well, obviously. You might have to step up the plot creativity in future weeks against stronger opponents, I think.

I think MMLP had a lot to work on and d0ubt wrote a decent enough topical piece. Interested to see what d0ubt does next week and if MMLP can elevate. Thanks for the read.

v/ d0ubt