[dead man]

i wasn't quite sure how i felt about this.

it was a fun little read. a very nice contrast to some of the more heavy handed works that are normative of the OM section here at the moment. i get what you went for and i think, in part, you were very successful. i wasn't really amused as much as i was confused by the progression of events.

the fact that this broad is gonna make you brown-eye her to avoid her bf finding out is kinda funny and also reminds me of this catholic chick i used to mess with.

the writing itself was effective insofar as i knew exactly what was happening throughout. it was ineffective, however, in creating any sort of story or understandable progression of events stringed together. you set up this really amusing anecdote with an ex and a sticky situation, and kind of abandoned it in order to brag about the bitches you fuck and ended it there.

this felt really incomplete and a bit lazy as far as "topical" versemanship is concerned. there was a lot of potential here for a really great story and you did not execute. i think my disappointment over his aspect is the reason its taken me so long to drop a comment on this.

i truly suggest you guys give this one another chance. make something out of it. keep the beginning, scratch whatever conclusive ending you gave this one and craft a tale of ex-girlfriend butthole love in rhyme form akin to something out of van wilder movie. cause thats the vibe of this piece, hate it or love it.

thanks.


1

ps. the title makes no sense since you're putting it in her ass. and also wrote nothing having to do with ethnicity.