[PancakeBrah]

I don't know what the title means nor am I particularly interested in finding out.

"So…
Water is wet? Not to a fish. The father of debt’s mom was the wish,
of doubting Tom, now aplomb yet remiss.
Like how Judas betrayed with a kiss, is modern man’s mind swayed by a snitch,
or melee’d because the Good Sam’s waylaid in a ditch?
The path you paved….is NOT your niche, a shallow grave,
and life’s a bitch.
Build…"

You're opening scheme was smooth as fuck, and unexpected. I've said your wording is stilted in a previous open mic but there was none of that here. Instead of a detached, commanding voice this was more natural. The rhymes were complex but didn't draw attention away from the content. I like the 'path you pave/not your niche' line the most out of this section for content. Surprisingly good start.

"The story is never ending: Atreyu…. Gesundheit,
God Bless your climb of the Dark Tower.
And may you ever exhume light,
As you find the time of your final hour."

'And may you ever exhume light as you find the time of your final hour' is great wording and a nice thought. This little portion felt poetic and I preferred to the four lines preceding it. Those lines were a bit more reminiscent of the stilted wording I took issue with awhile ago, but you saved it with this little gem.

"“Space is the place” read his iconic ironic cotton garment
Far from the fields neglected, infected with that cotton-picking varmint
Who cares about your failed aim, let us discourse your target,
Many humans lay with shame, yet you rolled it out the red carpet.
Made my bed inside your head, just to tread where you chose to park it,
Parallel to the living hell of which your imagined foes go to start shit.
The heart is desperately wicked, nothing can save it
The truth has always been: “Thanks be to Jesus, because his blood forgave it”.
The climb…"

The bold I didn't like. The first for the wording. It felt corny. The second because it felt a bit propaganda-ish because it was too on the nose. You've been more subtle in this piece than I remember you being but the second bolded line was a call back to that style. I don't have a problem with that being your idea/thought, just the delivery felt off to me. The rest of this section was good, particular the first three lines which may be the best of the piece.

"From out of the cave, into the mire, a king now trying to behave as the squire,
This message was sent from 15000 years into your future.
Where your thoughts do behave as the fire that brings the grace that we admire,
To reinvent, yet we keep counting the tears, noire abuser.
The mind is time and space, molecular chemistry fused with astrophysics
The erupting of the unconscious enables the percentage of use to up its limits
This is like nothing you have ever witnessed, yet nightly, it makes its visits,
so instead of trying to fight me, man up and face your critics.
Digits….."

I liked the opening line, disliked the second, and liked the 'astrophysics' line. Closing couplet was fine. This was an okay section. Still an improvement but not as flashy, well-worded, or original as the previous three.

"This is after your death, after the need for breath,
Just use your imagination.
Outside of depth, width, length, and breadth,
Clever clues paid dues and Heaven’s waiting. "

Perfunctory little closing vignette. Good enough.


Overall I think this was the best wording and writer's voice I've read from you on this site, better than the verse against Split Eight in The Winter Topical. There were a couple spots here and there which could've been tweaked but what Open Mic doesn't have that. I missed some of the allusions and deeper religious stuff due to a combination of lack of knowledge/caring and the fact I read these drops mostly for the execution as opposed to the grander theme. But still, surprisingly good work. Not to say I thought you were a bad writing by saying 'surprisingly' but I definitely wasn't a fan of your other style whereas this was more up my alley.

Thanks for the read.