doubt... this was solid for me. some pretty nice transitioning between rhymes at times, other times i felt that maybe some wording was more forced to keep up with the scheme. i think sometimes people tend to overdue their wording in an effort to rhyme more, when in some cases simple in a certain area works better and can go along way at times. its more about picking and choosing when to you that. as far as the topic goes it just felt a bit uninspired to me. the last line to me seems like it was tossed in for a bit of shock factor, and if that was the case it would have been better to incorporate more of a first person approach, or a more personal approach, instead of describing the struggles of a society as a whole and tossing that last line in it would of provided a bit more impact if it was all first person account. overall this is good though
vs
jon. this worked out very well for me. obviously the scheme and structure fit this very well. and i like the adjustment of lenses between the beginning portion and the portion after the break.(something i think doubts verse could of greatly benefited from) the imagery was very visceral from me. dark... and it fit very well with your narrative. the wording on this to me was near perfect. there was no issues that i could find, or that i would suggest changing. everything seemed to fit smoothly and almost without effort, which is why this may seem like its a shorter piece. i can totally appreciate accomplishing a nice development of a topic in 2 16s with a small syllable count.
overall jons piece was a step above in every measurable category of writing in my opinion. that is by no means a bad thing about doubts verse, because jons verse was very very good, and i see him winning quite a few matchups
vote-jon
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