[Bladed Thesis]

Originally Posted by oats

Insomnimeditation

1. You're determined to stay awake for as long as possible.

the mind’s will vs. body - the Genesis of madness
sleep!
is the Cousin of Death, a questionable fallacy
adderall and lunesta: tonight’s quest for immortality
my endocrine reality of sensory depravity.

Okay start, multi a little forced but sick concept and wording is very nice.

no medical analogies, those won’t fit in this stupid verse
people expect me to explore the infinite universe
my signature muse at work, Newtonian physics
if Life’s a Bitch, I can make her my Utopian Mistress.

Multi pairs are on point, strong and worded good. But as far as topic goes, you've kind of gone off of it and are just throwing out lines here.

hope is a gimmick. ha! that doesn’t fit the progression
but the rhyme does, besides I like to switch the direction

Compared to your other multies, a little basic here but it works. Again, not really sure what you're saying about the topic but the lines are cool.

life’s indifference: a lesson encapsulated in verse;
shit just happens how it wants to, that’s the way that it works
the past is made up, it hurts to have to face its assertions -
we’d rather buy as much silver lining as imagination can purchase.

Very nice concept for the "silver lining" line. I must admit, I'm a little confused though as to what this all has to do with staying awake for as long as possible. I'll be honest, if this was just a freeflow verse or something, its sick no doubt, but as far as being a topical battle and being on topic here, not really fitting yet. We will see.

I’m sleepy. but they know that, since it’s the topic selected.
but do they know how I wrote this? think the audience gets it?

You admit you're off topic and the only connection to the topic so far has been you're sleepy. Okay, good, I thought it was just me. Strong content for a freeflow verse, flow is on point and I don't have to tell you that but seems like you're just cruising through this topic right now and not exactly taking it seriously. Hopefully you're not underestimating your opponent or this verse has a huge twist.

an improbable method that all of the best did
lose yourself as someone else - torches to keep the darkest halls of your head lit.
I know myself better when I step into character
see my life portrayed in an objectivist narrative.

Second set of lines' multi is forced. Introspective on trying to stay awake, I get it. How do you stay awake, seems a little lackluster but we'll let it ride to the end.

Perfection is there to give mankind a partial target
the coquetry of hope: exceed the schemes that Eden’s Garden started
I’m Marlon Brando with the candles lit, piecing together shards of art since
the aorta of Apocalypse is Now the Heart of Darkness.

Feeling the multi, the content is a little preachy and not very focused but the flow and vocab is on point.

dope right? go try interpret those lines, scholars.
Whose world is it? So mine, the Earth gets no time altered

Multi works but wording issue here: seems like you might've meant to say "whose world is it? mine so the earth gets no time altered".

my whole mind’s a goldmine proper, but I keep yawning, perhaps I’m
too sleepy, I’ll make some green tea. Pause it for Halftime.

Again, the flow and wording, for the most part, is on point. But you've kind of just gone off on a rant and aren't really talking about trying to stay away or anything. Maybe it's just me but for a topical verse, this seems a little out of place.

second wind at 3am, stretch your legs and take a stroll
down Memory Lane - control the pieces of your past and make it whole.
open that lazy skull, let nostalgia flow from brain and soul
to the riverbank of pages until your verbal blade is dull

Cool start to the second part, multi is decent, flow is nice. Content is okay.

My one love? these lyrics. shit is music to me.
since adolescence this has always been my truest reprieve
writing’s how I’ve maneuvered through what’s proof or belief
how I reconcile curiosities with the moods on my sleeve

Decent lines here. Multi is a little forced for the last two lines. The third line's use of the word "proof" feels awkward as its not used properly and seems there to fulfill a multi and the rhyme of the last line doesn't match quite, in my opinion.

how foolish, to be captive to the facets of neuroses
like how right now I’m actively packing keef to relax while I smoke weed
I’m the master of what I don’t need, but when I’m aligning rhymes
I always tell myself it’s just this one time for my mind, one time...

Decent content here, introspective and nostalgic at the same time. Flow is a little off in the second and third lines and the last line multi seems forced.

so what do I Represent? shit, It ain’t Hard to Tell
I’m that could’ve been stupid kid at Harvard/Yale
the shadow of my martyred self, a typical hypocrite
aka “human” for those who don't resist being into it
peripheral instruments puncture rooms of my psyche
the mystical, dimly-lit tumors that light needs
what I mean, is darkness gets mislabeled as cowardly
but without it we wouldn’t see stars or know our place in the galaxy
thermodynamically it implies a terminal lack of heat
metaphorically, it’s a corpse to be animated with veracity.

All over the place here wiht

did this make sense to you? sorry, that’s the way that it works
the meanderings of life, encapsulated in verse
things don’t make sense, whether you’re awake or asleep
or somewhere between...
20 some years in a night, time to take Illmatic off of repeat.

I like the ending, bringing all the ideas and aspects together to a close. Flow was choppy and multi on the last bit wasn't apparent.

Overall: I'll be honest, your verse was kind of all over the place for me. That's why there's multiple votes and multiple opinions to rate it. I thought that, almost throughout the whole piece, your flow was consistent and your strongest suite. Vocab was great but seemed a little too constructed and unbashedly used. But it didn't really effect the piece or lift it but instead was just... there. Again, that's my perspective on it. I thought your take on the topic, a kind of wide-spread overarching tribute to trying to stay awake was decently done if not a little lazy. There are many ways to tackle a topic and that's the beauty of giving topics that different people can come at from their own personal angles. And I have no doubt you're talented and very good at this shit but I felt your verse as more of a freeflow verse and less of a topical verse. Less about a topic and more about just talking. Not my stlye but more praise to you for pulling it off, hopefully your opponent isn't much of a threat as I read this batttles one verse at a time so we'll see what his was like. Again, great flow, strong multies for the most part, imagery wasn't to impactful or prevalant and topic wasn't to my liking for what you did but that's life. Good verse.

Originally Posted by timeless

[CENTER]Are they coming?
Who?
The people with my self-esteem, have they sealed and returned it?
“I’m not sure what you mean, Kareem. I’m real damn concerned with
your mind, and the more I observe it, you seem really disturbed kid”
I’m not though, I just can’t fall asleep without feeling assertive.

Very sick opening. Multi and flow are great, the pacing is good. Setting the stage for your topic, both with a personal interaction and some introspection on their part.

News will soon pass of my fear, my anxiety and the moon in its grasp.
The planet wouldn’t last, shit I got solar systems fooled from my craft.

Multi felt forced. Content is decent. Imagery is strong here with the emotional play on the character.

Thirty six hours I’ve been awake, insomnia has a thin escape.
Lucky to get outta this alive, been a slave
with pills prescribed to keep my mind’s will engaged.

Sick. Very well written here, flow/multi/imagery/content. Everything clicks and works together. One of the best sections I've read in the league yet.

It wasn’t happening, I trashed them after talking to the walls.
I told them to stop standing around and start walking with us all.
They didn’t listen, they stood neutral and I imagined they laughed
along with the birds ***kling facts, as they took less action fast
and peered in with compassion through the other side of the glass.

First two lines are great, on point and fit your piece. Second set of two lines are okay if a little off as far as flow goes and the multi in the fourth line feels forced. "took less action fast" just comes off awkwardly.

They’re here.
Who?
As I heard the door open slow, I said “Stop!” and, “Slow your rolls.”
Let’s not invite ghosts in to uphold the undead plot of poaching souls.
So those ghosts I told,
“I will not stand for this! Forty five hours now and I’m wearing thin.”
Seems every place I look I’m being scowled and paired with sin.

Decent section here. Content is okay but a little wording issues. Multies are okay, if a little basic. Nothing too spectacular here. Topic content is okay but nothing like the start of the piece. Seems to be slowing down a bit.

And since I’m scared again, I should kill time so stress doesn’t grow.
It’s like walking a tightrope into a lobby full of guests I don’t know.
I don’t need direction, no pills, no blessings or some cheap thrills to feel
like I’m alive. I strive to heal my questions with a deep will to steal.

Very good content as far as your approach to the topic. Flow dipped a bit in the third line for me but returned. Multi is off in the first two lines "stress doesn't grow/guests I don't know" as the word "I" just stands out loudly as far as its sound whereas the middle of the first portion is "doesn't" and it comes off very soft-spoken as far as sound. Syllables match but the sounds are thrown off by word choice. Maybe just me.

With crooked eyes, she smiled. “I can hear your thoughts breathing.”
Red handed, I demanded proof that I’ve been caught stealing.
I knew the cabinet’s weakness, if I took her food, she’d see it
and seek a partner in the fridge to rid me of my loose leaf feedings.

First two lines are great. Strong content as far as interaction within the topic, flow, multi, vocab. The second set is a little rough as far as the multi came off as forced: "see it/feedings" and that threw off the concept you were working with in those lines.

“Shrewd! I need it!” I shouted, slamming the door shut on my enemies.
Leave me alone!
Maybe my ends will meet when I sleep, or when my dreams have melodies.
The less I keep trying to fight this mess in me, less empathy
speaks a beat able to put me to sleep within two seconds, see

Decent section here. Nothing standout and nothing really rough. Flow is okay and consistent so far with the rest of the piece. Eh

…my legacy has tendency, and I’ll be the first to stay awake forever.
It’s what I’ve always wanted, to be remembered to escape displeasure

Ha, very sick. These two lines work perfectly, hit home the topic and have great flow. Strong wording realy helps this work and makes these lines emphasize the topic with "Stay awake forever."

in any and all paces of weather, no matter how it affects my mood.
I’ve crept in through tighter passages with my passion’s neglect for truth.
As humans we are not flawless, yet we still strive for perfection.
Minds stretched, coats worn with obsession for lawlessness,
and such solemn bliss that possesses signs of depression.

First two lines are good, getting into your mental state of staying awake. I get it. But the loss of flow in the next three lines realy threw me off as they're your first real drop from an otherwise really consistent flow. Multi is decent, wording works in four of the five lines. The fourth line, content wise, doesn't really feel in needed and comes off as out of place. So the line that you put in at the expense of your flow wasn't even really necessary to what you were saying at this point, of course in my opinion.

Add that and a good slice of paranoia you’ll get a story
that’ll tell the tales of each night you’ve slept in glory.
But when will I close my eyes? When will hope arise?
When will I turn my off my mind? Maybe when they leave…
Who?
The Lies.
Goodnight.

The close was tight. Hammered home your topic, the goodnight being a nice end to it and the flow was so on point even with how you structured the staggered end.

Overall: I really liked your take on the topic. You had an almost flawless flow throughout with strong word choice and multies that held up the flow. You vocab was good and really well placed as far as different words used to convey the message of your chosen topic, from "insomnia" to "stay awake forever". Basic stuff but really well placed and used at the right moment for great emphasis. The internal dialogue was a cool touch but not exactly executed perfectly as it had some issues with bringing content to the piece. However, you built it up well and made it really part of the piece instead of introducing the mechanic then dropping it all together. Really enjoyed the read and had a few really really good standout lines for me.


Flow: Tied. timeless had a more consistent flow but when oats actually flowed his was ruthless and very well done. In this, at first I was leaning towards timeless but rereading oats piece, his flow just really stands out in so many places that I had to make it a tie.
Topic: timeless. Really, a matter of personal preference but I just appreciated the direction timeless took with the topic. As detailed in my overall review of oats' verse, I felt his take was just a little to out of place for a topical battle and felt more like a freeflow verse. That was just my take and I think timeless just perfectly executed his take on topic, from his internal dialogue and layout to the closing that I thought was great.
Vocab: Tied. oats had the stronger, wordy vocab but really both had their vocab work for them. Neither had much use of words out of place or incorrect uses and both didn't force the use of words much.
Multies: oats. timeless had them and they worked but oats had stronger multies as well as better used internal multies to help convey the flow and movement of his verse. Also, word choice in terms of multies, timeless had a few moments where his wording was forced to make a multi.
Imagery: timeless. Thought he had the stronger use of imagery and visualization of aspects, from the line "walking a tightrope" to the opening "feeling assertive". Very well used imagery concerning the mental state as well as different aspects of his trying to stay awake.

Overall: timeless. Really, I thought my vote would come down to just oats' take on the topic and my not being a fan but after rereading both verses twice, I felt that even taking their takes on the topic out of the process, timeless had the powerful imagery use compared to a more technical oats category of multies. Great battle, guys, definitely a title bout.