Poetry is like hip hop, which is like any skill; you can't just come across it and start working on it and be great. Poetry has strict rules, and you need to learn how to use them before you can break them. Excluding the content and imagery, the piece is boring. It's freeform poetry, which is not necessarily bad, but it does nothing rhythmically interesting. The rhythm is erratic, and while great poets might occasionally use such a style, I think this piece shows a lack of familiarity with poetry.
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