[PancakeBrah]

"The Zen state of mind, is a pet hate of mine, cuz it feels like when I fret, I pen greater rhymes."

Good opening. You didn't need a comma after mind, which is a pattern I noticed throughout this piece. The over/wrong use of commas. I think part of it is the 'flow' you're trying to impart to the reader but it stuck out to me. Zen state of mind/pen greater rhymes was very cool and the thought bridging the rhymes wasn't forced. Creative and probably honest. Cool.

"Shit's pristine, I love capes and molesting whores, jack..as I shift between enough shapes to test a Rorshach, I think I've been in this mess before, the sin, the infected core full of freshly tore wounds, eating the flesh of four goons, domestic lore looms, I'm a legend in my hometown and it's pleasant but I'm zoned out,"

Jack was cool. Rorschach line was fire. Domestic lore looms was nice wording. The last line, as Split noted, was also fire. The section between the first line and this quoted section felt a little too rhyme driven for me. Here you kept the schemes going while being original, content-wise. More 'domestic lore looms' and rorschach, less stunning priests with lasers imo.

"Picturing unicorns...fuckin' stupid horns, fuckin' internet laggin' when I'm tryna view this porn, just came all over my dinner, fuckin' ruined corn...fuckin' moving on."

Ha. This was awesome. Very random, but good. The over-use of 'fuckin'' was used well here. 'Fuckin' moving on' was a nice cap to this thought. It was like a one-off tangent in the midst of a whole tangential verse. Basically felt like "I just needed to say this". Flowed well, too. Ruined corn.

"Fuck it, maybe I should use bigger words? insert a 'nigga'? Curse? maybe then this shit'd work"

Didn't like this. Dull boy does this sometimes, too, ironically. Or not ironically, what with the piece's title and all. Whatever. I generally dislike going overly meta, breaking the fourth wall kind of shit. You have this head of steam going then you stop to give a semi-critique. Not my favorite portion.

"two guys + 1 gifted chick = fun, and if it's quick then we can cuddle and watch Nickelodeon"

Liked this. Was Nickelodeon suppose to rhyme with equal fun? I say no sir. Regardless, thought this was cool. I'm saying cool a lot.

"See this space? watch it, my only sin is lack of giving enough of a fuck to hold this pen, but when I do I can ruffle 'em, cuz when I come home again I'm honing in on these phony trends, tryna close me in, blow me, you're about to see the homie win, I extort lonely men and whore them out on corners for 40 pence."

Solid closing section. 'Phony trends' was a bit forced. There were a couple examples of forced rhymes like that here and there. 'Hone clout', '6 twisters', and 'ploy lacks' come to mind. But the ending was solid.

Overall this was good, and enjoyable. I actually liked this more than your more 'standard' pieces. Not to say they those aren't good, they are. But you kind of ran with this and dropped the pretense. It was uneven but fun, which is what any open mic should aim for. Being fun to read. This was. I think if you ran through a couple more "paragraph" joints you could sharpen your wording and rhyme smoothness to the point dull boy would be super proud. As it stands now, this was a fun read with a few kinks to work out. Still, glad to have read it. Good shit Witworth.

Throw a couple more periods in there, too.