Adonis:
The first thing i noticed immediately, because it's something I put time into as well, is the deliberate use of certain words... I appreciated the cleverness.
Quote:
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A locket of life – I'm his gift...His charm
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^ is just one example.
The story itself wasn't groundbreaking, but the juxtaposition of the pleasant beginning and the dark ending was done well.. The transition was nonexistent, but the jarring sensation it caused when going from the first portion of the verse to the second worked well. The ending line seemed a little weak in comparison to the rest of the verse however.
Mike Wrecka:
I hate zombies, ugh.. haha this was a fun read. It was a little lacking in detail for my personal taste, but it's hard to do that when covering so much ground from a storytelling perspective. While the overall verse was definitely enjoyable, when taken from a line by line basis, certain aspects seemed a bit spotty..
ie. you're wording...
Quote:
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this is heavy! bizarre! those infected with this infection,
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using a form of infect twice in the same line immediately stuck out to me... I'm sure there were other words that could have accomplished the same thing...
Quote:
her hand,but seriously you don't understand,
it was like damn, she didn't feel it so I took off and ran/
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this was after your character stabbed his wife in the hand... It was a great opportunity to perhaps delve into your characters mind.. what he felt.. what he thought.. but instead all that was offered was that he ran off.. But then again, it was pretty comical, especially with the "love you hunny, be home in a bit" part, so while I didn't particularly like it for how shallow it felt, I also liked it because of how shallow and comical it was. if that makes any sense..
Vote: Both verses were enjoyable, but
Adonis wins this one for me. It was the better verse this week from a technical and storytelling level..