nogood, i seriously enjoy the directness of your language. the honesty of it if you will. also, going from scene to scene captured and kept my attention. i respect/appreciate the lack of prejudice. i'm not trying to say it looks like you didn't revise, but your style appears to come effortlessly. some more commas and keeping "breaths" of thought to one bar, or adding some punctuation or something to let us know when to continue reading through without a mental pause may help your works reception.
although i really did like this part,
to smell the roses? Appreciate everyday of your life,
I'm just an ordinary man who needs a date with his wife,
family campin trips, planing shit, lacin beats in the basement.
Skydiving for an adrenaline rush the feelin's amazing.
this part did help me relate to the character, but something lost me here. maybe it was the redundant syllable count, (16-16-16).. or the use of "plan(n)ing shit". although shit is a versatile word, i try to avoid it in my writing and do generally frown upon it's substitution for more appropriate, concise words. that one shit made my mind up as far as the vote goes.
witty, i related to this a little too much. i'll try to keep the embarrassment out of my decision though. if you were immersed in any thing, it goes without saying you were soaked in it. mechanics were top notch, nothing i can criticize. impressed by the rhymes overall. these bars amazed me.
His pen was his friend, his girl was his soul mate
All three journeyed round the world, made their own fate
They didn't know hate, because they'd give it no space
It didn't grow, it couldn't while his gift bestowed grace
carried the rhyme most excellent with some top notch flow. i really liked how that sounded.
bestowed grace almost felt forced, but i didn't count it against you. perhaps the woman really liked his writing.
/v witty. hard fucking decision. the multis/carrying rhymes from bar to bar were a huge asset here.
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